Decision to a Personal Dilemma

I am not one of those people who are overly fond of reading those "bragging" Christmas letters about how the entire family has exceeded in everything they attempted for the entire year. About how everything is just so easy and wonderful. How smart their children are. How successful their careers are. Etc. Etc. Etc. Nonetheless, I always receive a few every year. I always read them and I am sure I smirk my little smug smirk that says, "No one can be that perfect!"

So here is my dilemma. I want to send one out this year about my family. Only it will not be a normal one. Most of these people that will get our card I only hear from once a year along with an occasional email forward. They don't know the half of what I have been dealing with all year. Not near as much as you do ....those who have read my blog this year. They don't know the bad things that have happened along with the good things. Even though they don't mention theirs I am going to tell them mine. Here is a brief synopsis of how it will go the BAD WITH THE GOOD:

Dear Ones,
Yes, the picture attached shows my beautiful and smiling family. This picture was made after Texas lost to the Aggies. We are wearing our Horns shirts totally believing it was a rigged game to save some coach's neck. They are smiling only because I threatened them all. This picture was made at 9:00 PM at night on deck outside. It was freezing. Macy had already had to get marched into the house and threatened by her mother, my daughter. Reid was standing by me because he didn't want to stand by his sister while she got in trouble. Ashley had to wear her jean jacket over her shirt. That is her story though. Otherwise we all coordinated nicely and the jacket made a definite fashion statement. The 4 guys on the back row never moved. They had the exact same look in the entire roll that was shot. No obligations except to look handsome. The girls, myself included, were all shuffling on the front row trying to get the project moving so we could go inside. The picture being made in itself is a Christmas miracle. I was determined......or as my children would lovingly and respectfully say........stubborn and "hellbent".

So, dear ones, here is a story of our year.
January........cold.....boring........property taxes about killed us along with Christmas debt. Mom and Dad both were very sick with the flu, strep and a touch of pneumonia. After 2 trips to the ER..... I put Mom in the hospital and "locked" Daddy in the house to keep him in. I mean I literally had to call for help from my sisters because he would not stay put. As sick as he was! I couldn't be at the hospital with mom and keeping him from sneaking out in the cold.
February.......a busy month of birthdays for our family. I let the maid go. Daddy had some minor surgery. Outpatient. All is fine.
March......A month full of dr. appointments and G started working nights for the month.
April......A dear friend from church died after battling cancer.
May.......A month full of buying wedding gifts and hostessing showers. I went through a book of checks. The end of another school year made me think ever so briefly about retiring.
June.......The month for mammograms, well checks, and bathing suits. I rarely left the pool. I checked the mail about once every 2 weeks. I thought I was getting that phobia that people have when they don't want to leave their houses.
July.........I had another heart attack and spent the night of the 4th in STARFLIGHT headed to the Heart Hospital. The rest of the month is spent at the doctor and on the couch. That is until I returned to the office on the 25th for school registration. Did I mention I thought about retirement?
August......9 family birthdays....................$$$$$ Back to school $$$$$$$ More blood work and tests.
September......More tests this time in Houston. Daddy had a TIA ( small stroke ) Spent several days in the hospital. On the happiest side, we found out we were going to be grandparents again in April. Am still grinning in December. Got a nice raise at work.
October......Began remodeling household areas that I never should have started.....$$$$$$ need therapy for too much HGTV. Went to Abilene to see son and daughter in laws new home. Took grandchildren. Had a WONDERFUL TIME
November.....I don't think I participated in November. Although, I do remember a wonderful Thanksgiving with family. Found out we were going to be grandparents again in June.......really grinning now. I think I'll grin forever.
December......I have NO earthly idea how it got here. I have not finished shopping. There are 20 more days til' Christmas. I have to have a stress test. A month full of parties every weekend and even some during the week. The house to straighten and get ready for company. Gifts to wrap. Food to cook. Still have to go to work. Property taxes are coming due again. Notes coming due at the bank. We need a new roof. We need new carpet. Did I mention I want to retire?

Hope your year was extra happy too. Me? I am just glad to be here. Have a wonderful New Year 2007.

Sincerely,

the &*&^%&*%% family

So what do you think? Should I send it?

Bubble Lights

I'm not known for my great memory. In fact, I daily think that someone is zapping brain cells away and stealing my past. Every now and then something, a sound, a smell, a voice, a story, or just something random makes me pause and think about something that was a special memory. We were decorating the tree tonight and a rush of memories came back of all the many trees I have decorated. Or participated in decorating. We always had REAL trees. The smell of usually cedar fills my brain with the sights and sounds of Christmas. We always had the most special Christmases. My parents made sure of that. When I became a parent, I started my own Christmas memories but they always included my parents, sisters, neices, nephews and now grandchildren. I have found that it is lots of work, anticipation, shopping, and cooking. I wouldn't have it any other way. We grew up decorating the tree and hanging the stockings and that was it. That was all anyone ever did. Wham.....bam......we were done. Now, don't ask me who started this, the whole house is a Christmas extravaganza. It takes me days to get the tree just right. Then the mantle. Then every nook and cranny of the house and porch is like the North Pole. I am not complaining I love it! When it is finished I bask in the wonder of it. I have parties, invite friends over, beg strangers in off the street, open the door to the neighborhood dogs. Anyone is welcome. There is nothing like it. I am NOT a perfectionist. I certainly am not. Everything turns out different every year. I can't remember one year to the next what went where. It makes it all seem new. So, if you are in the neighborhood, please stop by. I have a candy cane with your name on it.

Hot chocolate or eggnog? chocolate Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?Unwrapped every child's in a different location Colored lights on your tree/house or white? colored on the tree and white on the house Do you hang mistletoe? Yes, very realistic plastic When do you put up decorations? Christmas Music after T'giving, house decorations in the beginning of December, and full-on tree, etc, What does your favorite christmas meal include? Meal? Turkeys/ham/all the usual holiday casseroles/ tons of sweets and Aunt Kathy's sugar cookies Favorite christmas memory from childhood?Sleeping on the floor at Granny Price's watching the bubble lights on her "Charlie Brown" tree
How and when did you learn the truth about Santa? I don't remember. And I'm glad. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Kids, yes. Adults, no. How do you decorate your christmas tree? TONS AND TONS of decorations from Christmases past and present Snow! Love it or leave it? Love it, and miss it. But, hey, it's Central Texas Can you ice skate?In theory, yes, but I haven't done it in many years.
Do you remember your favorite gift? A real life baby doll from the "dime" store in Stephenville. And of course, my Barbie's wedding dress. What's the most important thing about christmas for you? I love being with family. All crowded and noisy. Gifts galore. And precious children with eyes wide. And of course the reason for all my season....SUMMER, WINTER, SPRING and FALL.......Jesus Christ What is your favorite christmas tradition? Making new ones every year. What tops your tree? An angel. What is your favorite christmas song? O'Holy Night. It breaks me to the very soul. I sob. But, I love them all.

What about you? Merry Christmas

GET THEE BEHIND ME

Honestly. If this sounds humorous it is not supposed to. I truly believe that the devil is after me. Everytime I try to do something good it comes back to bite me. I learned many years ago not to talk about people, they will always find out and it will sound much worse than what you originally meant to say ugly. Remember to pray because you will need God really bad the next day and then feel guilty you didn't go to Him when you really didn't need Him. Don't go to places that you aren't supposed to go because SOMEONE will see you there whether you know it or not. Always do your best the first time because doing things over again is not fun. Tell the truth at all costs because "you can't hide your lying eyes". Which by the way is my favorite old song. Be an example to everyone because you might cause someone to stumble. This is an old Church of Christ scare tactic but it is TRUE. I know because someone made me stumble tonight. Tonight was our Ladies Bible Study night and I decided about 3 this afternoon that I just had way too much to do at home tonight. I wasn't very productive this weekend and now I have double to do before hosting a church party Sun. night. Plus, company coming in next week for the holidays. So, I came straight home at 4:30 and set about domestic chores. Whistling while I worked. We, the Whitfields, whistle alot. I started a load of wash. Folded another load. Mentally making notes about all I was going to get done tonight. Big, fat and juicy hamburgers sounded yummy so I started cooking my speciality. I set the table. I flipped the burgers and then remembered I had left the lemon/pepper out on the deck at the grill. So, out I went. Singing as I go. I bounced back in the back door and fell off the step down in the family room. I was totally breathless and writhing in pain before I could call out for help. Only the fish in the aquarium witnessed this horrific event. They all swam over to the side of the tank. I heard the same familiar pop/crack as I did when I fell going out the door going to church a few months ago. That time I drove myself to the ER. BAD SPRAIN, they said. So, tonight I diagnosed myself with another bad sprain and have been on the couch with an ice pack for 3 hours. Still throbbing and MAD at my graceful self. Laundry surrounds me. Dishes are in the sink. The vacuum is in the middle of the floor. Nothing is done. I don't have a maid. Are you seeing a pattern here? Bible study......out the door to church......fall........I was thinking that if it felt better tomorrow I would miss Wed. class and catch up...BUT NOT ON YOUR LIFE. The devil is real and he is circling my house.

P.S. It is 630AM. I am just home from the ER. They do NOT like to see me coming in the back door. The only 2 times I have, I was having a heart attack. This time they had a heart attack! I told them to settle down it was ONLY MY POOR ANKLE. Honestly, I do not think I have ever had anything hurt so bad. It throbbed all night and I had it propped and iced. I finally got up and found pain meds but sat up in the chair until 4 AM so G could take me for an XRAY. It is a bad bad sprain but the worst pain I foresee is my armpits from these crutches. I have never had crutches before and what they don't realize is that I am not coordinated anyway. I will probably be back with the other one within 24 hours. I am home from work today with a dr. note to Rest Ice Compression Elevate. Or as they say RICE it. It is going to be a long long day. Being still is not my virtue. My mother is on the way to take care of me.

AMEN

TOP 10 REASONS THAT GOD CREATED EVE 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . . 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

I love that God has a sense of humor. I know He laughed at this.

A Little to the Left

Several months ago I sang at a friend's daughter's wedding with Becky and Tawana. As a "thank you" she gave us each a gift certificate to receive a 45 minute massage. I don't think I ever needed one like I did today and I cashed in on that THANK YOU. For 45 glorious minutes, I didn't need to talk to anyone ( I didn't even know her anyway ). I didn't need to think. The room was dark, cold and some kind of Chinese music was playing. Not exactly in my top 10 musical selections but it was soothing. I did keep thinking of Memoirs of a Geisha which was a little distracting. As you must realize by now, it is virtually impossible to put my brain to sleep. But, I did the best I could. She knew what she was doing. She worked me from neck to foot. She kneaded, rolled, squirted some kind of hot stuff that smelled like lavender on me, she popped joints, wrestled knots in my shoulders the size of Irish potatoes and left my head for last. That's right I said my head. Now mind you, I am vain. I am known to fix my hair and makeup before scheduled surgeries. She, without my permission, removed the giant clip that held my hair coiffed up in a nice little wad. Before I knew it my hair was sticking straight up in every direction. It had enough hair spray on it to hold it that way too. It did feel so good to get a head massage but I must say that it took me 30 minutes to get that clip back in so I could exit the place. This is just a warning to those of you who have never had a full body massage. Your head is going to get kneaded and rubbed. Go in expecting this and take a hairbrush. At least I had dark glasses for the ride home.

What Time Is It?

I hate it when I do this. I came home today and looked around at all things that needed to be done. Then I said to myself, "Self, why don't you take a little nap and you'll feel so refreshed when you wake up. Ready to tackle all those projects...ready to finish up all the things you have left undone since yesterday. " Three hours later I woke up. It was dark outside. I looked at the clock. "OH MY, I am late for work!" I hit the floor. Running, however, is not the description for you. I was flopping, flailing and falling all over the furniture trying to decide what to do first. Where to go. Who to call. Roll my hair or take a bath. What am I going to wear? Or as Weezer, of Steel Magnolia fame, would say, "I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt." Hope that isn't too offensive but it was funny when Weezer said it. Anyway, it took a few seconds to regain composure and realize that it was 7:30 PM. Rats, I still had time to cook supper, wash a few loads of clothes, and of course blog. Except it is now 9:30 PM and I really don't feel like doing anything.

Still Painting

Exactly one month ago today I told you my travails with all the extra adrenalin that flowed through me. All the projects I had started and left unfinished. Just a quick update on the progress or lack of it.......

1. The front door has been left as is.........the sanding has stopped. The idea to paint my beautiful stained door black receded to the depths of my mind. Instead, I made a beautiful fall wreath to welcome visitors to my home.

2. Only son's room has been finished. The bed has been made. The packed boxes and tubs are gone. Mission accomplished.

3. Daughter # 1's room has almost been transformed. Baskets of organization are now on the shelves. A new day/trundle bed is made up for company. My computer station is organized and I am surrounded by things that make me happy and smile. Please don't look in the closets or file drawers yet.

4. The bathroom that had wallpaper shreds hanging off after 2 straight weeks of picking is almost....almost finished. The sad news for my bank account was that professionals had to be called in. The happy news for me is that it is going to be beautiful.

5. Daughter # 2's room the door remains shut. I am scared to enter. I think all the things that have made these other 4 projects be accomplished have somehow crawled into that room to kill me when I open the door. Which will by the way be sometime towards the end of next week. Around Halloween. How appropriate.

When all of this chaos is through. A new roof will be put on this house. Followed very quickly by new flooring. Then I will call it quits for another 20 years. And let the next owners do whatever they want. By that time I should be settled snugly into the new wing of the local "home" playing BINGO and racing Cindy down the hall in my wheelchair.

A Stitch In Time

I guess the title is a little gross considering the facts. I'm home from Ashley's and the surgery went well. The dr. was able to put in the McDonald Cerclage along with an added stitch for precaution. If you know anything about high risk pregnancies or pre term labor that will make sense. However, I did not. At first he had planned to perform a cerclage procedure called the rescue cerclage. In the actual surgery he decided it was too risky for the safety of the baby. It would have prevented her from months of bed rest and ensured her of going close to full term. The McDonald cerclage is basically a safety stitch. It sews up the top of the cervix to help prevent pre term labor/early dilation, etc. The downside is that she will go on bedrest probably around Christmas. As soon as the baby grows more and more it will cause pressure on the stitches and bedrest will help give her more time and keep the weight off the cervix. So keep praying! I thank you for that, I really do. The sonogram and heartrate were perfectly normal and the baby had grown in 2 weeks.

It seems like all I ever talk about on my blog is medical stuff. You would think that we were this pitiful little inactive, unhealthy, undernourished family. In all actuality we are very active and basically quite healthy. Just because I have had 2 heart attacks does NOT mean I am not healthy. It's like my momma says, "I have a condition!" LOL. We all lead way active lives! It is just when something has to go wrong we like it to be in a big way. Always the drama family. More news later. And not health updates. We have a big trip to Abilene this weekend to watch the Merkel Badgers battle Anson. Go big PURPLE. It is also ACU's homecoming so we should see lots of old friends and family. Maybe I'll find something exciting to post for you next week. And then again, maybe not.

WE NEED YOU

I haven't been ready to tell this until now. I am going to be a NEENA again. Let me say I couldn' t be happier and more afraid at the same time. Most of you know that I have a daughter that has been trying for 6 years to have a baby. She was born to be a mother. From the time she was born she had a baby doll. The population of dolls grew and grew around our house. She had all colors, shapes, sizes, hair colors. Some had eyes open, some had eyes shut. She played with and loved them all. Although she would not admit it, I know that she played with dolls until jr. high. Rather secretly. She dressed up her poor little brother and fixed his hair long before he could defend himself. Then she began to dress our poor dog up in baby clothes. It wasn't long until the entire town realized what a "prize" she was as a babysitter. She babysat, babysat, and babysat some more. She went on trips with families to help with the children. She was like the PIED PIPER. At church, her pew would be filled with all the kids. This was everywhere we went. She never ever met a kid she didn't like! So the infertility issues were so confusing to us all because we knew there would never ever be a better Christian mother. Her husband bravely stood beside her in ever venture she undertook to get pregnant. He deserves a medal. Sadly, they lost twin sons several years ago. Just not quite ready to be born at 24 weeks. It broke their hearts and mine too. How do you heal from that? Or do you just go on? Going on is the only choice that we had.......now, by the miracle of God she is almost 12 weeks pregnant without any doctor intervention. We've kept it rather quiet until we were totally sure. We have now heard the heartbeat. We have seen the baby on a sonogram. It is now very real. She is placed in the high risk catergory and they have the best doctor who has assured that he will do everything he can to prevent anything from going wrong again. So, Friday morning at 8 AM we will check her into the hospital where she will have a procedure that will hopefully prevent her body from repeating history and starting pre-term labor. Please pray for her and her husband and give them strength to get through these next few months. And pray for the outcome.........a beautiful baby. I don't believe that we should ever bargain with God for blessings. I would be so afraid to do that. I would never do it. But, I promise that this baby will know about Jesus and salvation. He will hear the story of Noah, Daniel in the Lion's Den, and the Good Samaritan. I will do my part to give the message. Please join our family and remember them in your prayers these next few months. She mentioned in her blog and I'll share with you an excerpt of what she said:

"Now....Have I mentioned that I'm so very scared. I am. Absolutely freaking paranoid. I'm scared of history repeating itself. I'm scared that things will be beautiful one day and me upside down the next. I'm scared of cramps, back aches, hearses and small coffins. I'm scared of sympathy cards instead of congratulation cards. I'm scared the room will still stay empty. I'm scared of leaving the hospital empty handed...again. Please God let all things go smoothly."
Our whole family THANKS YOU for your prayers!

Hyper Juice

For some reason these past few weeks I have been running on some type of adrenalin rush. Major rush. Total mind races. I am expecting to run out of gas any minute. Honestly though. Why can't I channel this energy into something constructive? Instead, I have left a path of destruction through this house like you wouldn't believe. You think I am kidding? Here is a small sample of what I mean.

1. I decided to take down the wallpaper in the guest bathroom about 2 weeks ago. Each night I sit and peel small amounts of shredded paper and I am not even half way through. It will not come off. So I quit for a time and took on another project.

2. I decided that I would sand and refinish my pretty front door. I put a chair outside on the porch, thinking about the mess of wallpaper, and started to slowly sand. Then I remembered why I hate to sand so much. So, halfway through that, I quit. I quit and thought how nice it would be to straighten all the kids rooms for the holidays. ( OUCH, did I say holidays?) So.....

3. I started in only son's room. With 7 large clear storage tubs. I packed trophies, pictures, notes from girls, baseball gloves, footballs, basketball jerseys from little dribblers up to high school. I packed scrap books, autographs, more trophies, certificates, caps and gowns. I packed size 4 T Dallas football pants all the way up to High School quarterback size. Then, I packed enough sports books and magazines to start a small library. All the tubs went home to Abilene to live with him in his nice new house. Now he can sit and go through them. At his leisure. I loaded all the emptied off shelves with my own books and knick knacks. I moved an antique bedroom set in there. I hung some new curtains. It all looked so nice. Then the madness really began.

4. I went into daughter # 1's room. I started doing the same thing. Oh my gosh. Tiara's, pom poms, Prom dresses, bridesmaids dresses, mums, cards dating back to her 1st birthday up to wedding congratulation cards and Welcome Baby. Every momento you can imagine. ( chip off the old block ) She has been gone from home long enough to not have accumulated as much as only son. But, still when I didn't know what to do with something I took it into only son's room. Pretty soon daughter # 1's room was turned into my new, nice and neat office. For a short time. Only son's room was a mess again.

5. I entered into daughter # 2's room. Is it legal to have 1,000 homecoming mums in one room with Strawberry Shortcakes house, a corral of My Little Ponies, Rainbow Bright, Puffalumps, Gerber baby dolls, and college textbooks. Wedding garter, prom dresses, bridesmaids dresses and megaphones from high school and college. She is alot like me in that she likes to leave everything here and she will pick it up at a later date. ( Sorry Mom...I've been gone 36 years and still have things in your attic! ) So everything that I didn't know what to do with in her room moved to daughter # 1's room and only son's room. Did I mention that I moved my treadmill into daughter # 2's room also? It takes up about half of the room. It was not turning out like I envisioned.

So, basically what I have now is:
A demolished guest bathroom
Three of the messiest rooms you have ever seen
A front door that looks like termites Housework about 2 months behind because I have been trying to work through this mess.

And here I sit at the computer. Wondering where I begin? Who do I call to help? This is serious problem and I don't see a solution in sight short of selling the house as is and moving right into the retirement home. Somebody else is going to have to cook the turkey unless things start moving in a different direction pretty soon. At this rate we won't even have room to live here.

HEY! I JUST REALIZED IT IS MY BLOGGERVERSARY. Happy wishes to me and my 6 readers.

The Verdict is In.....Almost

Home again from Houston. If you don't already have a heart condition you will trying to drive through and around and out of Houston. I had a pleasant and informative visit with Dr. Mann at Baylor Heart Institute
today. Gordon was at an LCRA conference and was not able to go with me today. So, I enlisted my BFF Becky to go with me. Also, my daughter Heather went this time since Ashley, middle daughter, had an appointment of her own.......MORE ON THAT LATER...... I am so lucky to have had them with me. They both asked questions and made me feel very much at ease as I sat in the middle. Ashley would have been in there too if she could have and I know Mitch would have been there if the miles were not such an issue. I am so very lucky and blessed by my children's love! Becky though, has a wonderful memory, unlike mine, and has been able to relate and retell me what all he said in detail. I have spent the last 2 hours in the car making her tell me again and again until I could get it all straight. Any more questions need to be directed to Becky. Dr. Mann was able to view my last stent/catherization via CD from Heart Hospital and said that from that he was certain that I do not have coronary vasculitis. I did indeed have another heart attack which was caused by almost total blockage in the RCA (right coronary artery) lower chamber this time but he saw no other evidence of another dissection. The artery was almost totally occluded or blocked and a blood clot ( yuck, don't you hate the word clot?) was thrown. This condition can happen very quickly......it isn't necessarily something that smelters for months. He said that from results of all the follow up that he could determine that I had minimal heart damage. He even said very very minimal. I did alot of calling to Heart Hospital last week and was never able to get ahold of the right person to help me recover the CD from my initial dissection/heart attack in 2001. Dr. Mann really wanted to view that one before he gave me the final verdict. So, the reason the verdict is out is I am going to spend the next few days calling, calling and calling Heart Hospital until someone goes to the Medical Records Archives/graveyard whatever and retrieves that old record. Their excuse to me each time I called was basically the same. Technology has changed so much in the last 5 years that the 2001 surgery is stored on another computer "medium" that basically would have to be re downloaded before they could record it on a cd. I don't know because I don't understand technology. I can barely borrow and carry in addition. I had some more lab work done today to test something about homocysteine and my clotting abilities. Then after the review of 2001 CD, soon to be released at a theatre near you Dr. Mann and I will get back in touch. Basically, those will be the last pieces of the puzzle for Dr. Mann and we will then consult via the telephone. He basically reinforced to me that I am not typical of any heart patient.....that I do need to be aware of chest pains, etc. But we all do! He also made me feel better by saying that he felt like I have been in very good medical care with Dr. Bailey. He said that all the notes he read from the records I provided and all the meds etc that I am on are exactly what he would have done for me. He said the familiarity of the small town relationship of patient/doctor is important. With Dr. Bailey's access to Austin facilities etc he says I am totally on the right track. That made me feel better about having so much trust and not being so informed. However, I am planning to continue this aggressive patient conduct and stay on top of everything. If for some reason, and hopefully not, Dr. Bailey is insulted that I got a second opinion I will use another highly recommended cardio that is also a 'ville regular. When all the results are in during the next few weeks, I will try to never bore you with "heart condition" posts. This just really saves time and repetition in getting the word out to the 6 of you who have asked. And prayed. And cared. In a nutshell for now until further notice, I do have mild coronary artery disease ( genetically...probably on the Whitfield side, sorry Poppi ) which is controllable by exercise, diet, medications, etc. All the not fun stuff to do. I did not hear the words Blue Bell Fudge Nut Brownie mentioned once. And by the way ....... my treadmill is not for sale anymore.

No News is Good News

For those 6 or so of you that read my blog you already know this but I'll say it again.

I had a very extensive 2 days of testing, etc at Baylor Heart Institute in Houston. Basically I went in for a second opinion. There were some issues that were bothering me and I wasn't really getting the answers to the questions I was asking. So I subjected myself to another doctor and I was poked, prodded, xrayed, nucleared, interviewed, etc...... I was very impressed with the thouroughness of it all. The dr I saw also happens to be the Chief of Staff of the whole place. He spent about 2 hours talking with me. You know I liked that.......it was all about me! I had previously faxed about 65 pages of medical records so that he could look over my history before I came. And, as Ashley would say, I sent along the introductory novel. And I did. I just hate going to see new doctors when they don't have a clue who are they are going to see. So, I have this little thing that I always forward along so they know what to expect when they do meet me. Things like where I live, work, things I like to do, etc......I know it sounds silly but he said he wished all his patients did that. But, it very much broke the ice and the new dr. / patient relationship. He pretty much reinforced what I have been told a million times and that is how very fortunate I am to be alive. He feels like the second episode should not have happened and was most likely started by another smaller dissection located in the same coronary artery as the first. I have to call Heart Hospital tomorrow and have the actual "footage" of both my surgeries ( '01 & 06 ) for him to watch. He said that they should be on cd and I have a right as a patient to request them. Jeepers, I hope I wasn't slobbering or anything. I must say that my L'Oreal lipstick stayed on for at least 12 hours during that last surgery. It wasn't as eventful as the hair issue before which I am sure my girls would love to tell you about! I then go back on the 14th for the conclusion. I wish Houston wasn't so far and I could continue as his patient. However, he has absolutely NO IDEA the stress I went through just trying to find his office through Houston. A person could get killed there! I do feel like I need to find a doctor that treats me more aggressively. So, on the dr. issue I am in a dilemma because I really like the dr. I had. He is just almost too sweet, does that make sense? So, for now, that is where I stand. I'll wait to post again when I return from the 14th's visit with all the good news. And Terrie, when you "cut up with God" in the morning as you say, please remind him of me! Maybe he'll ride with me again on the 14th.

I HATE DECISIONS

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Or do I just make it that way? I liked life so much better when my mom and dad told me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and when to stop it. Not that I ever followed directions but it still made life easier to have someone else to blame for whatever decision I made.

JOB WISE.......After all my speech and ranting and raving about retiring and asking everyone to pray about the decision etc etc etc., I just was given a very substantial pay raise from the school district. I was more than suprised since in the 30 years I have been there I think this is the 2nd district raise I have been given. Poor little broke district. I have gotten the mandatory state raises and all but this makes everything different. Now, I really need to talk to my financial whiz brother in law. So, keep praying. I do love my job just not right now. The first of school is a nightmare but after the first week or so it is wonderful.

HEALTH WISE.......I am also going to Houston next week to see a new cardiologist for a second opinion of my medical "stuff". I am going to just say that everything job wise, retirement wise, and all is on hold until I can get my health in line. I am going to say that is the # 1 priority right now.

AND IN CONCLUSION.......So, here I go again..................not knowing where I am going. It is so my life.

Ready or Not the School Bell Rings

Things are looking up ! I am actually ready for school as far as being the principal's secretary goes. Now all I need are the children. This marks my 30th year in that chair. Well, actually I have gone through a few chairs, a few principals, a few superintendents, a few dozen teachers, a million students, and lots and lots of hugs! That's what happens when you work on the primary level. I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the children. However, right now I am going through major mental drama. I am a known and confessed drama queen, but right now I am performing on my own stage with no audience...... until now. You are the first ticket holders to know my thoughts. I am thinking about retiring. Now, calm down Mother because I have not totally made up my mind. And even if I do retire I AM NOT GOING TO SIT AT HOME AND FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. This will free me up for 3 o'clock coffee time with you and Mable. But, please don't make me go to Ladies Bible Class. HA ! So, the reason for such a drastic decision ????? If you have been a reader of my blog, HELLO DEAR FAMILY CONSISTING OF 5 readers, you know that I just had a second heart attack.....unknown cause.........unknown, unknown, unknown. I hate unknown stuff. So, IF I did retire ( BIG IF ) I would take the rest of the year off to do whatever else I wanted besides coffee with Mother and Mable, and then go to my second love job.......at the ER in the fall. That place holds alot of dreams and future maybes for me. By working til midterm I could claim a full 30 years. I know I need to sit down with Daddy and go over all the details. Get out the card table Pops. And the sharp pencil and flourescent light. Just don't ask me to put on my thinking cap. I lost it a long time ago. Hubby supports whatever I want to do. Right now though I have been having fun being stressful and having this pity performance by myself. So, add another "Lynn need" to your prayer list. I need your opinions. And yes, financially I HAVE TO WORK. Oh, and if you happen to have a spare thinking cap lying around, could I borrow it?

God Bless you Where you are

We Send You Our Blessings

Be sure and click on the site above and be blessed!

A lot of unexplained things have happened to me over the past week. Lots of questions that I don't seem to have answers for or may never have answers for. Lots of the WHY'S? And for some reason the people that I always have on my doctor teams answer like this, "I sure don't know" and my favorite quote of the week from the top cardiologist in the area, "Holy Crap girl and Damn if I know." And I, in total faith accept those answers. I want doctors that say, "Girl we are sure going to get to the bottom of this puzzle so this doesn't happen again!" I don't understand why I had another heart attack but I do know I don't want another one. So, now I must find someone else on my dr. team that feels that same way. I do not know why my body finds contentment in mass manufacturing cholosterol way too fast. Now, I must find someone else on that dr. team that might know that. I am tired of taking all these medications. I am tired of being tired. I am ready to find some answers. But, after watching that wonderful power point presentation above...........I feel the blessings of life continue to follow me no matter the situation......and I am not afraid. I really am not. What is there to fear? That I might get to Heaven before you? That is not scary. Although I would like a rain check for that trip in about 40 or more years. In the meantime, I will continue to count my many blessings that surround me day in and day out. They surround me in darkness and light. How much more could I ask?

What Fireworks?

I'll admit I didn't have the greatest 4th. Or maybe I need to re-state that and say that I did have the greatest 4th. Mostly because I'm here to tell you about it. There is nothing like being airflighted in an electrical thunder storm......most of which I am not that aware of. I am not going to dwell on the issue or go into gory details but I suffered my 2nd heart attack on the evening of July 4th. I am recovering and feeling very lucky again. What is up with that? It is all a mystery to myself and the doctors......I have no real indicators or family history so we are now going to totally re-analyze my next steps for a healthier life. So, if you are family and friends.....thank you so much for praying for me and taking care of me.......if you are stranger.....add me to your prayer list. And if you want gory details......give me a call.

The Beverly Hillbillies

Here is the "cast"
Hubby - Uncle Jed
Daddy - Grandpappy
Mom - Aunt "whatever from Tenn."
Me - Granny Clampitt
Heather ( my oldest daughter ) - Ellie Mae
Reid ( my grandson )
Macy ( my granddaughter)

It is true. If you would have passed my parents van on Hwy 36 on our trip to Abilene you would have thought you saw them for sure. What a trip! Four generations were packed in the car. Along with all the essentials needed by each. We tried to pack light for it was just a 2 day trip. Hubby drove ( thank goodness) and Daddy rode shotgun. Then there is the car seat issue with Macy. So, she rode in the middle with Mom. Leaving Heather, Reid, and myself ( my claustrophobic self) in the last seat. I was pinned in next to the window and by the time we arrived (5 hours later ) I was all but in the fetal position . I am not a good traveler. But, I am especially not a good one when pinned in. Thank goodness for movies in the car and the all too FUN ...... Uno for the car game. Reid and I played that alot. If you haven't tried those car games....get one. We did have a wonderful trip and enjoyed being with Mitch our son and his beautiful & sweet wife, JD and the Reeses, who is my sister and family. I just wish that we all lived closer. We always have so much fun when we are together.

I remember lots of traveling when we were growing up. Since, Daddy was in the Air Force that made travel a way of life. We moved alot. And drove alot. Maybe that is why I hate it so now. I think I am the only sister that grew up to hate to travel. In fact, one sister just got back from backpacking around Europe. The other one loves to travel too but stays mostly busy traveling around dropping off and picking up teenagers now! Being the oldest sister I always got the pick of the seat so I can't complain about that. Or should I say being the meanest sister. We drove back to Texas from Anchorage, Alaska. When we were stationed in Penn. we drove to Texas for visits. With family in the Texas valley there were often trips from Central or West Texas down there. The valley trips rank right up there with the Abilene trips. A long way, no scenery, and long and HOT. Both sets of my Grandparents always lived away so there was travel to see them. Here I am YEARS later......married to a small town boy, raising all our children here....my parents within hollering distance. When my kids were growing up there was no need to go anywhere. We were all here! Family came to us!

Now, my children are grown and scattered away. Maternal withdrawals make travel a necessity both physically and mentally. I can only go so long without seeing my kids and grandbabes. So, like it or not I load up.

Can't help but think how nice it will be when we all get to Heaven. I have reserved a cul-de-sac address for us all. No more traveling!

Did I mention that at last count Macy asked a million times if we "were there yet"? And don't think you can ignore her or answer falsely. At four years old, she wants the truth! She wants comparisons and statistics. Then much like myself she collapses in a heap with a heavy sigh. I must say though that the grandchildren are great travelers. They entertained the miles away playing with their fancy technology gadgets, gizmos, and car tv movies. They rarely fussed or whined, especially not more than I did! They are great travelers and respectful kiddos thanks to their great mom and dad who have taught and continue to teach them to be that way. in "my day" we used to pass the hours traveling by playing wonderful games! We played "Riddle Me" and always tried to fool Mom & Dad by choosing objects they would never guess. Then there was the license plate game and the ABC game off the billboards. We played countless numbers of games of hangman, dots, & tic tac toe. And of course the quiet game, which none of us won. Who can forget all the family sing alongs? We knew every hymn in the book! That is where I learned to sing harmony in the car not on CMT. My own children, before seat belt laws, used to perform puppet shows from the back of the station wagon to cars behind us. They listened to their little cassette or was it 8 track recorders to storybooks on tape. They loved to sing in the car too. We could sing for hours. And sometimes did. They had a speak and spell they used to think was fun until they found out it was educational. Sometimes Barbie dolls and baseball cards filled the car. Mitch used to love a little baseball trivia! Times have changed.

So, until I learn how to blink and magically transport myself across the miles, I will have to live with and endure an occasional road trip. Now, though, instead of giving the kids benedryl and dramamine, I give it to myself.

Inferiority Complex

I admit it. I long for comments. Some of my blogger friends rack up the comments. Mike Cope gets so many I don't know how he can read them all. He must have had to change his office hours just to read his comments. 5 is my tops. Ok that covers my mother, my 3 children and an occasional sister or niece. I read them over and over. But it is really starting to worry me. I even got blogger funk over it one time. I mean really! Why spend all that time writing something so personal if no one even reads it? Or even worse, they read it and they don't comment. I have some really cool topics that I plan to cover over the next blogging period. For instance: MY ANNUAL MAMMOGRAM or WHY CAN'T I FIND THE RIGHT LID? or my personal favorite MY LIST OF FAVORITE WORDS OVER THE YEARS. There will be more that I know will excite you. But, I am warning you. Comment. Comment or I will hold the best captive in my mind forever.

Sounds of Silence

I know I have said this before but this house is way too quiet. I am all alone for a week as hubby has gone to New Mexico. I have banged cabinets, played the TV too loud, slammed doors, sung loudly, and talked to myself. This is going to sound totally nuts but I love to be alone and I HATE to be alone. It is late now and I am not the least bit sleepy. That is not unusual, mind you, but I really am not the least bit tired. I have a million projects I want to start during summer break and I may pull an all nighter and start one tonight. NAW...... I better not. BUt here is my list of projects. They are in no particular order. This list is similiar to a New Year's Resolution list. I never follow those either.

1. CLEAN OUT THE KIDS CLOSETS AND PACK UP 10 year old mums, dolls, books, clothes, cheerleading shoes, books of 2 precious little girls and football pants, bats, balls, and LEGOS that used to belong to a little boy that lived here for 18 years.
2. ORGANIZE all photo albums. I want to condense them by throwing out the random shots of the neighbors new fence, the road sign from a trip to who knows where, the little blond kid that used to live next door but I don't even remember their name. I only want meaningful pictures left......
3. PAINT ALL THE red picture frames that I painted 2 summer ago black. I want to do them all in black now. I want to rehang the kids wedding portraits in the entry hall on a black iron pole with black frames too. I saw that idea in Pottery Barn magazine.
4. PUSH STUFF AROUND in the garage. It wouldn't be summer without that. It doesn't accomplish one thing.
5. FINISH PUTTING THE MATERIAL on my armoire in our bedroom.
6. FILE IMPORTANT PAPERS in the filing cabinets. Right now, they are strung out everywhere from the kitchen to under a bed somewhere. In the car. At the office. In the bottom of my purse.
7. BALANCE MY CHECKBOOK....I know you are really laughing now. I have that on my list every summer. And I never do it. I don't even know how or care, really.
8. GO THROUGH MY CLOTHES and get rid of things that I haven't worn in awhile. That includes the red print mini dress I wore when I left my own wedding reception.
9. CLEAN OUT THE KITCHEN CABINETS......really. I can't even find a lid. When I want a round one I find a square one. Plates anyone? I have 5 sets of dishes. There are only 2 people in this house. I have one skillet. I have 400 million sets of mismatched silverware. I have a whole wall of cabinets full of whatnots and who knows, that as Ashley says, "Is old crap".
10. GET SOME REST, NOT GO BY AN ALARM CLOCK, FLOAT ALL DAY IN THE POOL, DRINK COFFEE, ROAM AIMLESSLY.

Knowing me and my previous summers, I'll spend alot of time on # 10. Oh well.

Who me??? Relax????

There are several words that I don't think belong in my vocabulary. They don't have anything to do with me. I don't understand the definitions. I can't relate to them. One of the main words is RELAX. For those of you who know me well, you realize that is true. I can sit no longer than 30 minutes tops at church, seminars, waiting rooms, the theatre or in other restricted environments. Then when I am home, I am in constant motion. I am not being productive necessarily but just moving. In the house, out of the house. In the kitchen out of the kitchen. At the computer or away....you get the picture. I so envy people that know how to be settled. To be able to sit and watch an entire TV program without ever getting up. My sister, Jody, knows how to relax. She is the only person I know who can read an entire book in the bathtub. She is totally in another world when she is there. I have tried to relax in the bathtub. I have lit candles had bubbles... the works. The minute my toe hits the water I am wondering what I am going to do next......I can barely get the soap out of my hair and shave my legs before I am reaching for the towel. I literally go at it like this all day. Until my batteries run out sometime around 11. You are probably thinking, "Poor thing, I have always known she needed counseling." But the truth is, this is me. There is no doubt I have inherited some wicked gene from somewhere generations ago that causes me to speed through life. I don't necessarily want to be this way but it is the way I am. I plan to work on this.......maybe I need to do yoga or meditation. Wouldn't that be a hoot? I would have my legs tangled up before I could count to 3. Then during meditation I am certain I would be talking to myself. The only time everyday that I am totally still and relaxed is at night when I pray myself to sleep. I am still then......I have learned to control my mind from wandering too much during this time and fall asleep in total peace. That can't be all bad can it?

Hey, I am open to suggestions if you think you can slow me down. Do not, I repeat DO NOT suggest restraints. I am also claustrophobic. Good luck coming up with something I haven't already thought of..... and please no medication. For once I want to do something normal!

Quick Trip For A Kiss

We made a flying trip to Htown to see part of the family! Even though we had just seen them I hadn't had enough. I just wish Mitch & JD were on the way too. I could have used a good slobbery kiss from Petey and Tex. And of course, Mitch and JD too. We are really missing them but they stay BUSY BUSY BUSY. Hopefully, in a few weeks we can head their way. Stopped at Red Lobster and took Ash to supper on Thursday nite and enjoyed a few usual laughs with her. Then headed to CLake. It was almost 10 when we got on the main drag and I called the house and said there better be some jumping up and down in the yard when I pull up. As we rounded the corner, in the shadow of the motion light, I could see 3 bodies jumping up and down and up and down and up and down. DID MY HEART GOOD. Troy was at work or I bet he would have been jumping too. He is a good sport when the in laws head to town. We kept the kids way up past bedtime. Then Gordon climbed on the top bunk and I "snuggled" down with Macy in the twin. Macy's party was all you could expect a four year party to be. Heather had worked so hard and had everything organized and precious at the park pavilion. Macy has had so many celebrations this week she said she already turned 5. We had a hard time convincing her that just because you had another party you didn't age. We were disappointed that Reid's game got rained out this morning and he didn't get to hit me my grand slam. I am sure he would have. We all went out for lunch and then we headed home. Now a storm is brewing around here for the night. Lightning is dancing in the sky. What a blessed woman I am to have gotton to drive to Houston for a kiss from my precious babes. More importantly to see the happy lives that they have created. That is all I ever wanted is for my kids to be happy and well adjusted. Thank you God.

Do We Mean What We Say?

The sweetest little man at church Sunday came up to me and handed me a button he had made for me. Funny how a little button making machine can turn into a ministry! Everytime I see him he has one on with a thought or inspiration and I always comment that I can't wait to see what button he has on. Anyway, he had heard me say this before so he printed it on a button for me. "Lord Come Quickly". I know I say it more than I probably realize. Looking at it though made me think. I pinned it on my purse so I see it quite often since I "dig" in my purse about a million times a day looking for something...... but that is another blog.

But, "Lord Come Quickly?" Do I really mean that? I know I say it at appropriate times. Like when someone is hurting that I know .... spiritually, mentally or physically. Or when I am hurting....spiritually, mentally or physically. When it is just hard to take it anymore. I read in other blogs about choices that are not good ( I know about those ), about babies that are sick ( I know about those ) , about people who give up on life.....about addicts, about job losses, about people who have so much less or maybe don't even know how to have more. Sometimes I think that blog reading wakes you up, it encourages you to reach out and realize that you are not alone on this journey of life. But, life sometimes is just hard. Hard because we make it that way or hard because we don't know any better than to do what we have done when we don't know what else to do? Does that make sense? Heaven sounds so wonderful and will be free of all that. I just know that for right now and hopefully as long as I draw a breath that I will mean it.....Lord Come Quickly and put us out of our misery and let me be found faithful and waiting!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I couldn't let the month go by without a March blog. Truthfully, I have been in a blogger funk. I know those of you who write regularly know what I mean. The mind is spinning but the words don't come out. It's been a busy spring and it is flying by. I can't believe that soon we will be complaining about summer heat. Everything is the same in my life.....it's all good. It's all blessed. Hopefully April will bring some sense to my mind and I can get back on the writing train. I need some inspiration for sure.

Another Year Older and Deeper in Something

It's finally over. My birthday has come and gone but never quietly. Having a birthday with a large LOVING family and also working in a primary school, the festivities go on for days. If you know me well you know that I have not always liked to celebrate my birthday. Don't get me wrong. I love the presents.......I love the cake.........I love the cards.....I love that it is my day.......but I can remember not even liking my birthday when I was a child. I can remember being 9 and not wanting to be "2" digits. I am not sure why. I guess it is that one time of the year when we know for certain that we are not immortal. But things have changed and I am liking who I am at 54. I don't know how it got here so fast. I like how the new saying is that 50 is the new 40. WHAT? You have never heard that. I don't think I made it up. Well, anyway it is. I know I read it in some very trustworthy article. And not AARP. Which by the way, I shredded that card again. I wish they would quit sending it. I am NOT ready to admit to senior citizen discounts and rates being discounted because of my age. On the other hand, maybe if I tried to get a discount they might want to "card" me. Now, I would enjoy that. For all of you who helped me celebrate.......for the little voices that trembled out the words...."Happy Birthday Dear Neena" I appreciate it and I love you. If you still don't know what to get me, I will accept cash.

What's In A Face?

I hate being vain. I have absolutely no reason to be but those of you who know me well know it is a fact. I am fast becoming one of those little ladies with too much blush and jingling jangling jewelry hanging off anything that will hold it on. The last few days I have been curiously reading up on cosmetic surgery. Just looking and wondering. I won't say I'll never succumb to it but right now I am mostly just fascinated by it. I watch way too many reality shows and make overs and have seem some incredible turn arounds. The funniest thing is that I have as my screen saver a school picture of myself from the 4th grade. I sat and stared at the picture last night. Would I go back? Never. But staring back at me was the face of a little girl that I was trying to reconnect with. I recognized the eyes. I recognized the eyebrows. (Boy did I have some ) Thank goodness for waxing. I could remember the red plaid dress and the hair. The white teeth. Was this before the braces or after? Of course, this was way before Ruben let make up touch that face but I didn't really need it yet. I was somewhere between being a little girl and bursting into puberty. Not that I bursted into in the sense that I turned voluptuous but I did scour through many a SEVENTEEN magazine looking at fashion and make up. The girly gene was present. I wondered when I was looking at the picture what I was like then. What kind of day did I have at school that day? Was I happy? Who were my friends then? What did my mother fix for supper that day? I wonder. I see the children at school skipping around the halls and playground and I wonder if I was like that. One thing I realized for sure is that time stops for no one. It marches right on. Those same eyes, the same face, with now the manicured eyebrows, wayward hair, are still mine. The heart, the will, the woman child. It's all still me. So, I will keep studying this philosophical question of fighting the age issue and be satisfied that I am exactly what God wants me to be. I am exactly what He wants me to look like. But, please someone tell me when I am overdoing it with the "staying in fashion" look. I need to remember I am not the same little girl in the picture. Can you tell someone is dreading another birthday? Thankful for it but dreading it.

Lazy Hazy Days of Summer in January

Okay....I admit it. I am HOT. What is up with this weather? ElNino or Nano or whatever needs to go away. Although I do prefer warmer weather I think our body thermostats need to experience a little of cooler weather. I am trying to be educated in this as the meterologists explain the whys and hows of this type of winter but all I know is....it is not normal.

Saturday is quickly proving to be a day of work again. Now that my "cleaning lady" is history I spend my Saturdays washing, cleaning and getting ready for another week. When I had the luxury of her Saturdays were playdays. It is okay though. I am using these cleaning days to clean out and throw away stuff that I don't need or wear anymore. I couldn't have asked her to do that anyway. I have found stuff in my closet and thought, "What was I thinking when I bought this?" One of my new year's resolutions is to be more careful what I buy. I found 3 million red and black tops. I found skirts and pants that haven't been worn because I don't have a top to match. I need to make an inventory of what I have and what I need. Those of you who know me know that although I am a sales, resale and thrifty shopper know that I am also a compulsive buyer. I NEED THERAPY. SEE, WANT, AND BUY....those are my prerequisites. I need to change that. Now, our church has set up a clothing ministry so I plan to start taking lots of stuff there. Anyone need a red or black top?

The holidays seem like a long time ago. Except that Monday is another holiday! Wish we could have saved it for the long haul later. The next holiday SISD has is Spring Break. That seems forever away.

Okay...here is something for you all to help me with. We are invited to a suprise Anniversary party ( 35 years ) for our good and old friends, Nancy and Buddy. We are supposed to dress as we did then.....the 70's. I didn't like the styles then much less to do it again now. What in the world am I going to wear. I am planning a trip to Goodwill this week to see if I can put something together. Any suggestions? And don't say HOT PANTS........This body is way past HOT PANTS. I wish I still had Gordons mint green polyester Leisure Suit! He was so handsome.

We were such good friends with them when we were teens. I am so glad we have stayed friends over the years. I was Nancy's only bridesmaid......a lovely lavendar polyester gown. Wish I still had it and I'd wear it except it was probably a size 0 or so. Yes, I was a 0 onetime. Now, just add numbers before that. It's hard to believe that we can boast 35 years of marriage along with them. And it's still work.......guess when it isn't then it isn't worth it. I'd do it again.

Okay....so help dress us......... Forget the afro wig for Gordon.

And the FAT LADY SANG

They say "it ain't over til the fat lady sings".... and I do believe that she is singing. The New Year is fast approaching and I am excited for the first time in a few years to see it coming. Yes, I will see myself turn another year older ( very thankfully ) and I will be another year deeper in debt, thanks ACU ( sing it Tennessee Ernie Ford ). But, for some reason I feel like I have a clean slate. I just want to start out ready to face the challenges of life that lie ahead. I have a new boss at work. We have a new minister at church. I have a new attitude about the way I want to face things. I am tired of being God's stubborn child. I want to study more and more about what God wants me to do with the rest of my life not what I want to do. He gave me a new chance on September 26, 2001 to serve Him and I didn't take Him up on it. I think I took about 34 years backward. I want to learn how to give it all to Him and stop trying to save the world myself. I don't want to sweat the small stuff anymore. After 53 years I am ready to try it God's way. Mine hasn't been working. I know that I have been in church 3 X a week since I was born. I know that I know the words to every hymn in the Songs Of Praise Hymnal and the blue one before that. Iknow that I went to every VBS for 18 years straight. I know that I can tell a Bible story without a script. I know that I can finish a preacher's sentence and scripture word for word. I may not remember the chapter but I know the words. I know that I can pray a prayer that will bring you to your knees and leave you in tears. I know that I can stand up in a crowd of ladies and give a 30 minute ad lib motivational talk. I know that I do many good deeds every day. I also know that none of that counts if what is in my heart isn't right. If you read my "About Me" on the right, it said it all......I liken myself to a ship wandering the seas......yada yada yada. Well, I see the lighthouse. I know the way home. Don't worry. I don't plan to start whacking people over the head with my hardbound Bible but I do know that I have a strong desire to finally serve a Saviour that has promised to lighten my load. Trust me. It needs to be lightened. I hope this New Year is an inspirational journey for you as well. There really is no other way to be happy and at peace.

On another note.......the holidays were wonderful. All my 6 children, grandchildren, my sisters/bros in law, all my neices & nephews (except Matty P , Christine, & Jack who were missed ) were here along with my wonderful, precious, and gracious parents. Reid and Macy were precious and so excited. We all just stared at beautiful Riley with the sweetest spirit and the biggest smile. She never left anyone's arms. The stories, the ballgames, the sports trivia, the chaos, the noise, the food, the laughs....... I just sat back and savored all the love in one room and glowed with happiness. I am so blessed. I loved it all. I didn't want it to end. It was another awakening to me that I feel like I have missed. Just to feel so blessed and count it. Not to take it all for granted. Life goes too quickly. This is NOT a dress rehearsal. This is the real thing. Sing on fat lady. God Bless you all in 2006.

Rested, Revived, Raring, Ready and Relentlessly Rambling

Amazing what a day off from work can do. Not to mention that I have until January 2 to relish in vacation. I find it hard to believe that this time next week the paper will be out for BFI along with boxes ( hopefully no one's money envelopes!) and Christmas dinner dishes will be in the dishwasher. I heard someone comment the other day that whoever made the comment "Slow as Christmas" must not have been a woman. That is the truth. Somehow, as it seems in alot of venues of life, the holidays seems to be woman's work. Most men, at least from my generation and before, don't seem to get seriously into this preparation for events thing. It is like to them, what happens just happens. HELLO....how do you think it happens? I mentioned before that I am a list maker. I have to to be to make it happen. Now, ( OH MY!!! ) I don't make lists, I also make folders for my lists. Does this mean something bad? Somebody slap me when I start putting rubber bands around my wallet. Now I am not bragging but I put alot of work into making things just right and special. In picking just the right gift for the right person. I know that is not what it is all about and I don't mean to imply that. I truly celebrate the season in all it's glory. I just know that I come from some VERY high strung genes that make it necessary for me to do things that way. If things run smoothly then my ADD stays in check! It isn't to imply that if you don't you are wrong. I envy people that are able to pull things off so amazingly with little planning. Does that make sense? I better run so I can start my New Year's Resolution list along with my folder for 2006 Improvement Ideas.

Too Pooped To Pop

I have no earthly idea who came up with that saying but I totally relate. What is up? I finally finished all the decorating and cleaning. My house smells like a giant gingerbread factory. I have 99% of my shopping done and presents wrapped under the tree. I only have 1 more day until I am out for 2 weeks for Christmas break. We actually have only 1/2 day on Friday. I should be doing handstands and cartwheels. Except I never could do them before even on the playground. I am too tired to care. I don't like feeling OLD! The cookie swap with all my church "sisters" went great last night although no one really went all out as they usually do with the cookie decorating. I think they are all pooped too! We did however, have a great time laughing and eating. I am so blessed. I have already made plans to do NOTHING on Saturday. I may even stay in my PJ's all day and drink coffee. Doesn't that sound heavenly? I took the afternoon off tomorrow and am taking Mother to San Marcos to shop. It will lower key than going into Austin. They have a wonderful Hastings Bookstore and a Target, Bealls, & Penneys. I do plan to stay away from the Outlet Mall with the million plus stores. I never liked that place. I do like the Katy Mills but San Marcos outlet is out of control. I wish my 3 daughters and I lived closer so we could all shop together. I am so looking forward to the holidays with my family. I have already started my list of New Year's Resolutions. I have one every year and whether I succeed in following them is beside the point. The point to me is that I make a list. I love lists. I think lists are essential. I do have a problem with misplacing my lists though! That is a whole 'nother story. Whatever is on your list or your heart I just hope that everyone that reads this is happy, healthy, trusting in God's mercy, forgiveness and love, and looking forward to new year of fresh starts and promises.

What Reindeer?

I am not sure but I think Neena got run over by a reindeer. At least that is what the song said. That explains alot to me. I wondered why I was so slow getting all my Christmas scattered around the house! But, despite the unfortunate reindeer incident, I am almost through decorating. I will admit that I didn't do it with the zeal I usually do. Some years you have it some you don't. This must have been a don't. But, the ladies at church will be here Tuesday night for the annual Cookie Swap and I must be ready. Little Elisabeth expects me to have the village scene up in the bathroom on the vanity. One year I didn't and she was so disappointed. Agnes and Flo expect a tree in every room. Donna expects me to have all the gingerbread people set up in my kitchen. Then there are my usual little quirks. When I was in Salado a few weeks ago I saw this beautiful dining table idea for decorating. I already had most of the stuff they had on display but I bought a few things I didn't. I guess you will remember that several months ago I decided I didn't need a maid. I have found myself the last few days muttering her name. This is what I have left to do if any of you would like to come help.

1. Paint the baseboards in the bathroom. Trust me.
2. Clean both bathrooms "clinically". That means sterile.
3. Wrap some present to put under the tree.
4. Dust........."Alyssia, where are you my little Spanish senorita?"
5. Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum.
6. Straighten up the guest rooms.........just for my sake.
7. Wash some clothes so I have something to wear next week.
8. Bake 6 dozen cookies for Tuesday.
9. Sweep off the porches......( Thanks, Dad )
10. And on and on and on

One reason I seem to be so slow getting this all done is we have been Party Animals and I am exhausted. Friday we had 3 parties to go to.....I made all 3......Gor made 1. Then last night I had to make pictures at the SRHospital Party. I finished at 9 and we went to Heather Rogers UT Nursing School graduation party at the fire station. We missed the Keenager Party in Lagrange. Then today, busy Sunday, Bec, T, and I sing at the Annual Christmas Party at the Towers Nursing Home. Then I am coming home and start checking things off that list. Can't wait for family at the holidays......they'll be coming in shifts but that is ok. The funniest ( or saddest ) thought has been crossing my mind lately. I remember when Granny Price was alive that all the cousins, neices, and nephews used to always come to see her every holiday and on other occasions.....then when she went to live in her mansion in Heaven we never saw any of them again. I worry that someday my neices and nephews and their families won't ever come see me either. I don't want that time of my life to come. On a happier note........watch out for misguided reindeer......enjoy every party.......don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet sweaty stuff. That is my wish for you......

And I Am Thankful

I just realized when I finished typing the blog below that I have never mentioned how wonderful it was to be with family over the T'giving holidays. I am truly blessed by a wonderful family.....husband, children ( all six of them), grandchildren, parents, sisters and bros in law, nephews, nieces, and great nephews and nieces. When they are all around the world stands still and I am in awe of the beautiful people they are. I AM PROUD.

On The Road Again

It probably seems like to you that I never stay home. It feel that way to me too. I am leaving to go to Canton tomorrow with 3 other High School friends for the weekend. We are a strange crew and I am still not quite sure how this got organized and how I ended up in the event. None of us really hang around together and I am having a few little high school related flashbacks like, " I hope they like me", "I hope I fit in", etc........I am not sure why they asked me to go. Nonetheless, I am planning to have fun. Maybe my fears of the group have a direct result of the terror they imposed on me about 35+ years ago when I first moved to the 'ville. I was 15. I weighed all off 90 pounds with dark hair to my waist. I didn't really even need make up then! Imagine that. The minute I hit this town of population about 2000 then I was the "new girl" and the old girls of this town were not that eager to let me in. I remember they used to follow me when I would go on errands. Packs of them in cars like they were trying to terrorize me into moving away. We laugh about it now but I didn't think it was so funny then. Within about 2 weeks of the initial new girl thing I was accepted as one of the "in crowd" and we have remained friends for all these years. We have been in each other's weddings, had showers for each other, raised our kids together, and now enjoy telling grandchildren tales. It has been quite a ride. Although I do think of them all as dear friends it is a different friendship than I share with my Christian friends and sisters. Does that make sense? It is a depth thing. I am always a little hesitant to bare my soul to people who sometimes don't realize how valuable a soul really is. I don't mean that in a snobbish "I am right" kind of way. They know me from way back and now. They know when I have made mistakes, misjudged, and all the little idiotic moods I have....and I know theirs. I just hope that I will be an example this weekend. They are the greatest girls and I am thrilled to have been invited. Since this blog is really my private thoughts to you, those who know me so well, I know you will understand what I meant and maybe even relate to have different friends from different walks of life. So, see you all on Sunday night. Hopefully, I will come home in holiday mood ready to set my house up for Santa. I can't believe I am so far behind on that! As my best friend Tawana starts chanting about this time of year, "Keep looking merry and I'll have to slap it off." I hope you are merry and scrooge is staying away!

Could It Really Be That Simple?

I just returned from a 3 day conference in Salado. The drive was glorious! I thought I was on the east coast in the midst of a fall foliage tour. It was beautiful. We arrived at the Summer's Mill Retreat and Conference Center around 8:00 AM all pumped and ready to change the school system. 15 from SISD trekked down there not really knowing what "Capturing Kids Hearts" really was about. Let me tell you that I returned a changed person.....both in education and life. The whole basis of their theory is that you can't educate a child if you don't have their heart. And to have their heart you have to love them, "warts" and all, and they will love you back. It is a training process to allow the children to earn your trust and vice versa. There are steps to set this in place but there is NO WAY it won't work. I can't wait to tell Jody and Jenna about it. The funny thing about all their concepts was that it was so spiritual I kept waiting for the invitation song. There were 44 in my group and we never stopped all day except for little 10 breaks and meals. One night we went til 6 then the next night until 8. There was not one concept that could not be taken home and implemented into family and marriage life. I could see how it could change a family into something dynamic. If anyone could persuade their school to invest in this for their district it be well worth it. Our campus is the last to go through the training. There are still about 50 more to go later on in staggered sessions. Are you curious????? There were several men in our groups that were total skeptics from other districts but on the last day they were blubbering like babies. It is awesome. And oh so awesome was the setting! I don't know how many acres it was on but there cabins, barns, homes, bunks, and old church and dining halls, convention rooms, etc.....There were exotic animals roaming and buffalo howling.....or mooing whatever they do. We were fed 3 meals a day and I mean catered meals like at a fancy wedding. Breakfast was unbelievable. The only free time we had was 1 day we had a break for and 1 hour and 1/2 and everyone headed into Salado to shop. Then we were back at it. I came home exhausted, renewed, wishing I was just starting in education and raising a family so I could get it right. Anyway....I am home. Smithville is the same......bad news and good news like when I left which seems ions ago. Glad to be home though. On a whole 'nother note....I miss all my kids terribly today, this time last week we were JD and Mitch and that helped me immensely since we hadn't seen them in so long....I can't wait though until Thanksgiving when at some point I'll see them all......I may never let Macy and Reid out of lap for 3 days. They better be ready cuz' Neena's fluffing her nest!

And Why?

"Never did I know how much my mother loved me until I became a mother." I remember hearing that and thinking how very true that is. You can explain it people who are young and don't yet have families and they can not even begin to comprehend. I remember not long ago a young man I have known almost all his life became a father. He had dealt his mother some grief over the years and I remember having little heart to hearts with him back then. After his beautiful son was born he stopped by to show me and all I could think of to say was, "Now you finally know how much your mother loves you." It made him tear up. But it is so true. Jokes have gone around for years about being in a family with more than one sibling...."Momma always loved you best", etc......They were funny but I never felt like that. I never ever thought my mom loved any of us girls more or less than the other ( although I knew I was the favorite....hahahahahaha that is just for J & K ) But, really our parents loved us all unconditionally and just the same. They never played favorites. I can honestly say that those same feelings are for my own children. I love them each so much it hurts sometimes. I don't love anyone anymore than the other. I love them differently for their personalities and for who they are but not any differently in passion. Does that make sense? I can feel each of their heartbeats in my own heart. I remember vividly the day that each one was laid in my arms for the first time and one my tears fell on their little faces. I have never been so in love. Those will be my dying thoughts someday of comfort.

All of that said to say this. My heart is breaking tonight for my Ashley. She said it so well in her own blog when she said WHY? Blessings and sadness. God blessed her with being able to know the true joy of carrying a baby inside of her. Then not just one baby but two. Then not just any babies but boys. Then not just any boys but identical twins. Then not just any boys but Brock and Brody. She watched her body change and she listened to their heartbeats at the doctor. She watched them move around on sonograms. We framed those pictures. Then chaos and confusion. Then she held them for the last time. And everyone including me, said, "It is God's will". Her heart is broken forever and so is mine. She is my baby. She is my child. I would give my own life for hers any second of any day. I was there and I watched her so brave and my heart was dying. I knew all the wise things to say and I think I said them but I didn't mean them. I know about God's will. I believe in it. I know He loves us each the way we love our own but even more in a Godly sense. He saw a reason for all of this that we can't see. It has been almost 2 years now and the sting is still there. It always will be I know to remind us of the blessing of knowing them even briefly. I fall asleep every night praying for God to bless her again with another pregnancy. I know He will do what he knows is best and He will do it in His time and in His way. But, you know me. The stubborn willful child. The one that wants it NOW. Give my baby what she wants. But, this is something I can't buy. This is something I can't do. And two mother's hearts break. For she was a mother you know.

Friday's Fog

TGIF....I know it is an old cliche but for today it couldn't be more appropriate. I am not sure what is happening but I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Nothing really to account for it but I just feel like I have wandered through a long week and I'm not really sure what happened? Can you relate? The weather is wonderful.....can't complain about that for sure. I plan to open up windows tomorrow and clean house. I have decided to "let the maid" go. I have enjoyed that luxury for 2 years now! She is fixing to have yet another child anyway so it will be a good time to say Adios Senora. If I can't keep up with just Paps and I here then I need to get more help than a maid. Like I said it has been a pure luxury. I mean really, I clean before she comes! She had it made. So who thinks I can step down from the throne?

GO ASTROS

I just found out tonight that my grandson, Reid and "son" Troy are going to go to the World Series Tuesday! Heather said Reid is in bed staring at the ceiling in utter shock. Just a little earlier their neighbor came to the door with 2 extra tickets from his company and gave them to them. Now is that just the sweetest neighbor in the world? I can't even begin to tell you what a memory that will be for my 2 boys. I love people to be excited and happy and that made a 9 year old boy and a #@$* year old man pretty excited. They are the 2 best fans any team could ever hope for. It's always great to have something to look forward to, don't you think? I know Uncle Mitch and Aunt JD will be VERY jealous. In a good way though. I know I will be tuned in and not just to see Biggio in his baseball pants, but to see the 2 biggest smiles in the crowd! You gotta love it!

It's Finally Over

And to that reference I mean the class reunion. I did not wear anything new that I bought instead dug out the comfort of an old tank and cardigan. It was similiar to taking along a teddy bear...I found comfort in the already worn feeling of that shirt. We were the early birds to get things set up etc etc etc.......No one, unless you have done to before too, knows it is a lot of work to organize any event. By the time old ( and I do mean old ) friends started arriving we were ready. Classmates Nancy (Drum major) & Buddy # 64, Pam, head cheerleader and I, the lowly peon were the worker ants. It was alot of fun and it really did all turn out great. Clint & Barbra's mansion held all of us and I bet there were close to 70 or so. The weather cooperated and ToniAnn did not throw anyone in the pool. Some I had not seen since high school were there. The alcohol flowed a little too freely for some and when we were headed home I was glad that I do not live in that lifestyle. Life is hard enough being sober. So, for another 5 years it is over. We voted that for the next one we are all going a cruise. We'll be too old to throw anything together! We all agreed we were probably the most beautiful class that ever graduated and no one mentioned age. However, Pam and I did raise a few eyebrows at some. For those of you who care the class of 70 is still alive.

Dancing on the Streets of Heaven

One of my precious sisters, the one with the initials JWR, has always had a heart full of compassion, the patience of Job, the knowledge of Einstein, the spirit of God that is lived and breathed in her everyday life, and on and on could I go. Anyway, she has always been like the Piped Piper of ALL ...everyone wants to follow her. Young and old. She has taken it on herself to be the caretaker of an elderly aunt-in-law many years ago. She called her, dropped by to visit and just generally made sure that Aunt Helen knew she was loved and not lonley. I don't think Aunt Helen was the easiest person to love but Jody loved her dearly with all her eccentricies. (OK, I know that is probably not spelled right.) After years of being able to care for herself and her home, Aunt Helen had to go live in a retirement home. And Jody followed. She visited, did her wash and took her little surprises and gifts. Maybe a nice pair of PJ's, or a sweater or whatever. I had the extreme pleasures of accompanying her on one of her visits and witnessed first hand what it will be like when Jody cares for me. No, really, we had our chuckles over some of Aunt Helen's consistent and repetitive questions, like, "Now what day is this?' "Now who is bringing me communion?" Each time Jody would sweetly answer while I rolled in hysteria behind Aunt Helen's wheelchair. Until I saw what was under it...but that is another story. When we got in the car to go home that day we had a rather lengthy conversation on how fast life goes by and how at one time Aunt Helen had been a vibrant school teacher....now reduced to wondering about the days and order of things. Routines, busy schedules, deadlines, work, fears, sins.....it all takes on a whole new meaning when we realized that someday ( and sooner than not ) we will be at the mercy of someone to care for us. Well, this afternoon all of Aunt Helen's worries about the days and the routines of bedtime ended. Tonight she sleeps in the arms of Jesus. Never again will she worry about anything. I just know that she was lucky while she was here to have been blessed with my sister. Good Night Aunt Helen....and by the way, it is Wednesday, October the 12th.

Neena's Nest

This has been quite a day and I am not sure why. Maybe because it was Monday or maybe the rain but it felt like the day would never be over. No specific reason for wanting to rush it by because life goes way too fast anyway but I am glad that night has fallen. It feels like fall has finally arrived in whatever "measure" you can count in Texas. I am grateful for cooler weather. I have noticed that all my favorite bloggers have been on vacation for some reason.......I am missing catching up on all their comings and goings. I did get to spend the day with Ashley on Saturday. She was trying to "spiff" me up for my class reunion this weekend. Not sure we accomplished any look we were trying for and I probably won't wear anything I bought. It just felt good to have a SteinMart sack. Right Jenna? I thought about arriving at the reunion to a stunned group of classmates who couldn't believe how I had maintained the fountain of youth. But I realize now after much self examination and about 4 hours in various dressing rooms with Fun House mirrors that I will look just like the rest of them. Like I have been out of high school for 35 years. Oh well. At least I'll be in like company.

Neena's Nest

I have spent the last 5 days in a house without air conditioning. How do I explain to you that it was cooler outside at 105 than it was in this house? Right Ashley? Of all weekends to come visit! For the last several days my make up has made it to the car before me. It just slid off my face and ran out the door. My hair all sprayed with hairspray was flat against my skull well before I got to work. I looked for excuses to get in the car and go anywhere because I could run the AC. I did alot of visiting other people so I didn't have to come home until the last. I loooked forward to work. We have air at school! Call me spoiled...I know it. Anyway, it is fixed today and at 7:33 PM I am feeling the first blast of normalcy in the air. I didn't grow up in a house with air conditioning but I can tell you that I will grow old in one. I remember days when you slept with windows open and hoped for a breeze. We tried that. Didn't work. I don't think there is such a thing as a breeze. Ah, the old days we just thought we were cool.....I remember water cooler type "AC's" that spit out little bursts of coolness. But, made a lot of noise. I remember old fans that everyone had on their dressers. Especially the one in my room that "sucked" up my parakeet and traumatized me.. I remember big old box fans. I remember being HOT. I don't like to be hot. I haven't felt like doing anything. I have almost felt physically ill. So now I have wash piled up and a house to clean before the maid comes tomorrow. I wouldn't want her to think I kept a dirty house.

Neenastar

I hear alot of talk about fall. What is it exactly? I seem to have forgotton. Oh yeah, it is that wonderful and my most favorite time of year when cool weather comes in and the crock pot comes out. It is when leaves fall and darkness comes early enough to make me go to bed before midnight. It is when I can start whining about having a fire in the fireplace and have my yearly ritual of a sleep out in front of the fireplace. It is when I never seem to quit buying pumpkins. I love pumpkins. It is when I start thinking about the holidays with my family and planning for a whole new year. Life goes by so fast. But, fall where are you? You are not getting here soon enough for me.

Neenastar

The hurricanes have passed for now. Hopefully, all the evacuated houses are inhabited again by their familes. I know that ours are all home safe and sound. Probably a little more thankful than when they left. I know I am. What a chore to decide what to take and what to leave. I couldn't help but compare to a favorite Bible story of Lot's wife who just had to look back at her "things". It is such a woman thing to collect things in trying to make a house a home. I am ashamed to admit it but I am afraid that I would have had to look back too. I have admitted my weakness before so that should be no surprise to you. Now I am trying to focus on the Heavenly home I want. The one that is already prepared. I know that my Father wants me to happy there so I bet it already has things to surround me with peace. Did you ever wonder about your Heavenly home? I hope everyone I love is on the same cul de sac with me.