"Never did I know how much my mother loved me until I became a mother." I remember hearing that and thinking how very true that is. You can explain it people who are young and don't yet have families and they can not even begin to comprehend. I remember not long ago a young man I have known almost all his life became a father. He had dealt his mother some grief over the years and I remember having little heart to hearts with him back then. After his beautiful son was born he stopped by to show me and all I could think of to say was, "Now you finally know how much your mother loves you." It made him tear up. But it is so true. Jokes have gone around for years about being in a family with more than one sibling...."Momma always loved you best", etc......They were funny but I never felt like that. I never ever thought my mom loved any of us girls more or less than the other ( although I knew I was the favorite....hahahahahaha that is just for J & K ) But, really our parents loved us all unconditionally and just the same. They never played favorites. I can honestly say that those same feelings are for my own children. I love them each so much it hurts sometimes. I don't love anyone anymore than the other. I love them differently for their personalities and for who they are but not any differently in passion. Does that make sense? I can feel each of their heartbeats in my own heart. I remember vividly the day that each one was laid in my arms for the first time and one my tears fell on their little faces. I have never been so in love. Those will be my dying thoughts someday of comfort.
All of that said to say this. My heart is breaking tonight for my Ashley. She said it so well in her own blog when she said WHY? Blessings and sadness. God blessed her with being able to know the true joy of carrying a baby inside of her. Then not just one baby but two. Then not just any babies but boys. Then not just any boys but identical twins. Then not just any boys but Brock and Brody. She watched her body change and she listened to their heartbeats at the doctor. She watched them move around on sonograms. We framed those pictures. Then chaos and confusion. Then she held them for the last time. And everyone including me, said, "It is God's will". Her heart is broken forever and so is mine. She is my baby. She is my child. I would give my own life for hers any second of any day. I was there and I watched her so brave and my heart was dying. I knew all the wise things to say and I think I said them but I didn't mean them. I know about God's will. I believe in it. I know He loves us each the way we love our own but even more in a Godly sense. He saw a reason for all of this that we can't see. It has been almost 2 years now and the sting is still there. It always will be I know to remind us of the blessing of knowing them even briefly. I fall asleep every night praying for God to bless her again with another pregnancy. I know He will do what he knows is best and He will do it in His time and in His way. But, you know me. The stubborn willful child. The one that wants it NOW. Give my baby what she wants. But, this is something I can't buy. This is something I can't do. And two mother's hearts break. For she was a mother you know.
Friday, October 28, 2005
TGIF....I know it is an old cliche but for today it couldn't be more appropriate. I am not sure what is happening but I feel like I am in the twilight zone. Nothing really to account for it but I just feel like I have wandered through a long week and I'm not really sure what happened? Can you relate? The weather is wonderful.....can't complain about that for sure. I plan to open up windows tomorrow and clean house. I have decided to "let the maid" go. I have enjoyed that luxury for 2 years now! She is fixing to have yet another child anyway so it will be a good time to say Adios Senora. If I can't keep up with just Paps and I here then I need to get more help than a maid. Like I said it has been a pure luxury. I mean really, I clean before she comes! She had it made. So who thinks I can step down from the throne?
Thursday, October 20, 2005
I just found out tonight that my grandson, Reid and "son" Troy are going to go to the World Series Tuesday! Heather said Reid is in bed staring at the ceiling in utter shock. Just a little earlier their neighbor came to the door with 2 extra tickets from his company and gave them to them. Now is that just the sweetest neighbor in the world? I can't even begin to tell you what a memory that will be for my 2 boys. I love people to be excited and happy and that made a 9 year old boy and a #@$* year old man pretty excited. They are the 2 best fans any team could ever hope for. It's always great to have something to look forward to, don't you think? I know Uncle Mitch and Aunt JD will be VERY jealous. In a good way though. I know I will be tuned in and not just to see Biggio in his baseball pants, but to see the 2 biggest smiles in the crowd! You gotta love it!
Sunday, October 16, 2005
And to that reference I mean the class reunion. I did not wear anything new that I bought instead dug out the comfort of an old tank and cardigan. It was similiar to taking along a teddy bear...I found comfort in the already worn feeling of that shirt. We were the early birds to get things set up etc etc etc.......No one, unless you have done to before too, knows it is a lot of work to organize any event. By the time old ( and I do mean old ) friends started arriving we were ready. Classmates Nancy (Drum major) & Buddy # 64, Pam, head cheerleader and I, the lowly peon were the worker ants. It was alot of fun and it really did all turn out great. Clint & Barbra's mansion held all of us and I bet there were close to 70 or so. The weather cooperated and ToniAnn did not throw anyone in the pool. Some I had not seen since high school were there. The alcohol flowed a little too freely for some and when we were headed home I was glad that I do not live in that lifestyle. Life is hard enough being sober. So, for another 5 years it is over. We voted that for the next one we are all going a cruise. We'll be too old to throw anything together! We all agreed we were probably the most beautiful class that ever graduated and no one mentioned age. However, Pam and I did raise a few eyebrows at some. For those of you who care the class of 70 is still alive.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
One of my precious sisters, the one with the initials JWR, has always had a heart full of compassion, the patience of Job, the knowledge of Einstein, the spirit of God that is lived and breathed in her everyday life, and on and on could I go. Anyway, she has always been like the Piped Piper of ALL ...everyone wants to follow her. Young and old. She has taken it on herself to be the caretaker of an elderly aunt-in-law many years ago. She called her, dropped by to visit and just generally made sure that Aunt Helen knew she was loved and not lonley. I don't think Aunt Helen was the easiest person to love but Jody loved her dearly with all her eccentricies. (OK, I know that is probably not spelled right.) After years of being able to care for herself and her home, Aunt Helen had to go live in a retirement home. And Jody followed. She visited, did her wash and took her little surprises and gifts. Maybe a nice pair of PJ's, or a sweater or whatever. I had the extreme pleasures of accompanying her on one of her visits and witnessed first hand what it will be like when Jody cares for me. No, really, we had our chuckles over some of Aunt Helen's consistent and repetitive questions, like, "Now what day is this?' "Now who is bringing me communion?" Each time Jody would sweetly answer while I rolled in hysteria behind Aunt Helen's wheelchair. Until I saw what was under it...but that is another story. When we got in the car to go home that day we had a rather lengthy conversation on how fast life goes by and how at one time Aunt Helen had been a vibrant school teacher....now reduced to wondering about the days and order of things. Routines, busy schedules, deadlines, work, fears, sins.....it all takes on a whole new meaning when we realized that someday ( and sooner than not ) we will be at the mercy of someone to care for us. Well, this afternoon all of Aunt Helen's worries about the days and the routines of bedtime ended. Tonight she sleeps in the arms of Jesus. Never again will she worry about anything. I just know that she was lucky while she was here to have been blessed with my sister. Good Night Aunt Helen....and by the way, it is Wednesday, October the 12th.
Monday, October 10, 2005
This has been quite a day and I am not sure why. Maybe because it was Monday or maybe the rain but it felt like the day would never be over. No specific reason for wanting to rush it by because life goes way too fast anyway but I am glad that night has fallen. It feels like fall has finally arrived in whatever "measure" you can count in Texas. I am grateful for cooler weather. I have noticed that all my favorite bloggers have been on vacation for some reason.......I am missing catching up on all their comings and goings. I did get to spend the day with Ashley on Saturday. She was trying to "spiff" me up for my class reunion this weekend. Not sure we accomplished any look we were trying for and I probably won't wear anything I bought. It just felt good to have a SteinMart sack. Right Jenna? I thought about arriving at the reunion to a stunned group of classmates who couldn't believe how I had maintained the fountain of youth. But I realize now after much self examination and about 4 hours in various dressing rooms with Fun House mirrors that I will look just like the rest of them. Like I have been out of high school for 35 years. Oh well. At least I'll be in like company.
Monday, October 03, 2005
I have spent the last 5 days in a house without air conditioning. How do I explain to you that it was cooler outside at 105 than it was in this house? Right Ashley? Of all weekends to come visit! For the last several days my make up has made it to the car before me. It just slid off my face and ran out the door. My hair all sprayed with hairspray was flat against my skull well before I got to work. I looked for excuses to get in the car and go anywhere because I could run the AC. I did alot of visiting other people so I didn't have to come home until the last. I loooked forward to work. We have air at school! Call me spoiled...I know it. Anyway, it is fixed today and at 7:33 PM I am feeling the first blast of normalcy in the air. I didn't grow up in a house with air conditioning but I can tell you that I will grow old in one. I remember days when you slept with windows open and hoped for a breeze. We tried that. Didn't work. I don't think there is such a thing as a breeze. Ah, the old days we just thought we were cool.....I remember water cooler type "AC's" that spit out little bursts of coolness. But, made a lot of noise. I remember old fans that everyone had on their dressers. Especially the one in my room that "sucked" up my parakeet and traumatized me.. I remember big old box fans. I remember being HOT. I don't like to be hot. I haven't felt like doing anything. I have almost felt physically ill. So now I have wash piled up and a house to clean before the maid comes tomorrow. I wouldn't want her to think I kept a dirty house.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
I hear alot of talk about fall. What is it exactly? I seem to have forgotton. Oh yeah, it is that wonderful and my most favorite time of year when cool weather comes in and the crock pot comes out. It is when leaves fall and darkness comes early enough to make me go to bed before midnight. It is when I can start whining about having a fire in the fireplace and have my yearly ritual of a sleep out in front of the fireplace. It is when I never seem to quit buying pumpkins. I love pumpkins. It is when I start thinking about the holidays with my family and planning for a whole new year. Life goes by so fast. But, fall where are you? You are not getting here soon enough for me.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
The hurricanes have passed for now. Hopefully, all the evacuated houses are inhabited again by their familes. I know that ours are all home safe and sound. Probably a little more thankful than when they left. I know I am. What a chore to decide what to take and what to leave. I couldn't help but compare to a favorite Bible story of Lot's wife who just had to look back at her "things". It is such a woman thing to collect things in trying to make a house a home. I am ashamed to admit it but I am afraid that I would have had to look back too. I have admitted my weakness before so that should be no surprise to you. Now I am trying to focus on the Heavenly home I want. The one that is already prepared. I know that my Father wants me to happy there so I bet it already has things to surround me with peace. Did you ever wonder about your Heavenly home? I hope everyone I love is on the same cul de sac with me.