Monday, October 31, 2005

And Why?

"Never did I know how much my mother loved me until I became a mother." I remember hearing that and thinking how very true that is. You can explain it people who are young and don't yet have families and they can not even begin to comprehend. I remember not long ago a young man I have known almost all his life became a father. He had dealt his mother some grief over the years and I remember having little heart to hearts with him back then. After his beautiful son was born he stopped by to show me and all I could think of to say was, "Now you finally know how much your mother loves you." It made him tear up. But it is so true. Jokes have gone around for years about being in a family with more than one sibling...."Momma always loved you best", etc......They were funny but I never felt like that. I never ever thought my mom loved any of us girls more or less than the other ( although I knew I was the favorite....hahahahahaha that is just for J & K ) But, really our parents loved us all unconditionally and just the same. They never played favorites. I can honestly say that those same feelings are for my own children. I love them each so much it hurts sometimes. I don't love anyone anymore than the other. I love them differently for their personalities and for who they are but not any differently in passion. Does that make sense? I can feel each of their heartbeats in my own heart. I remember vividly the day that each one was laid in my arms for the first time and one my tears fell on their little faces. I have never been so in love. Those will be my dying thoughts someday of comfort.

All of that said to say this. My heart is breaking tonight for my Ashley. She said it so well in her own blog when she said WHY? Blessings and sadness. God blessed her with being able to know the true joy of carrying a baby inside of her. Then not just one baby but two. Then not just any babies but boys. Then not just any boys but identical twins. Then not just any boys but Brock and Brody. She watched her body change and she listened to their heartbeats at the doctor. She watched them move around on sonograms. We framed those pictures. Then chaos and confusion. Then she held them for the last time. And everyone including me, said, "It is God's will". Her heart is broken forever and so is mine. She is my baby. She is my child. I would give my own life for hers any second of any day. I was there and I watched her so brave and my heart was dying. I knew all the wise things to say and I think I said them but I didn't mean them. I know about God's will. I believe in it. I know He loves us each the way we love our own but even more in a Godly sense. He saw a reason for all of this that we can't see. It has been almost 2 years now and the sting is still there. It always will be I know to remind us of the blessing of knowing them even briefly. I fall asleep every night praying for God to bless her again with another pregnancy. I know He will do what he knows is best and He will do it in His time and in His way. But, you know me. The stubborn willful child. The one that wants it NOW. Give my baby what she wants. But, this is something I can't buy. This is something I can't do. And two mother's hearts break. For she was a mother you know.


Giggi said...

i really struggle to understand if this was God's will or not. i'm pretty sure i won't understand it in this lifetime. i know you could add his name to the list of parent's with broken hearts. and He does know how it feels because he lost His only son, too. I bet granny price is taking good care of them. wonder if she's making rolls up there? i'm looking forward to the big family reunion.until then, i'm praying for you and our sweet ashley. i love you sissy

Heather said...

Mom, I love your heart! You always know what to say and just the right way to say it. I love you so much and miss you terribly.

Ashley said...

I love you more than you will ever ever know.