Please Be Gentle By Jill B. Englar Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?

“…you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus…”

About a week after Daddy died, we received this special bundle from Heaven. I have no doubt that she received his stamp of approval for our family.


Maddux Grace ( Maddi ) has helped to fill a big hole in my heart. She landed here on June 30th, 2009 weighing 7'11" oz and is just as beautiful as her sister, Jaxon and the rest of her cousins.


Bless you sweet baby. And happy birthday, Daddy.

So many people have told me that this grieving process is in steps. The problem is I don't know how to grieve and I certainly don't know the steps to do it. Right now, it's just this incredible emptiness I feel all around me. There are still tears. Especially at church. Especially there. He was such a big presence there. He tried so hard to not be but he was. So many times I could see him out of the corner of my waiting to shut the double doors to signal the start of the service. Then all of a sudden he would be quietly shuffling down the outside aisles to check the thermostats so that everyone would be comfortable for an hour of worship. He then would sit for awhile beside Mom and me. Not for long though. Someone late would be coming in and he was up and to the back to help them find a spot to sit. Then he would check the ladies in the nursery to see if everything was alright. Then he would slide back down by Mom. These last few years when he would sit still for any length of time, he would fall asleep. Mom would nudge him and he would fumble with his bulletin or write her a note that said, "I was just resting my eyes a minute." Then after communion service he would get up and assist with taking the trays to the library for the nightly service if anyone needed it. Then he would head to the office to stand by the locked door while the secretary counted the contribution. A few minutes later he would appear again but may be be sitting on another pew. Resting his eyes again. There was another silent signal that he responded to when service was almost concluded. He knew to get up and open up the back double doors. Then he would come back to "our" pew and sit. Just briefly because he had to be at the doors greeting people as they left. When everyone had cleared out is when his work really began. He refilled all the bathrooms with new rolls of paper, soap and hand towels. All four bathrooms. He made sure he was the last one out so that he could be assured the doors were all locked properly.

So, see. I see him everywhere. I catch glimpses of a shadow standing at those doors out of the corner of my eye a million times during the service. I see him everywhere. But, I turn and no one is there. I would give anything to turn around and see my Daddy standing there. All handsome and dressed to the nines like he always was. The longest month of my life just completed. The one without my Daddy.

No one is doing all the things that he did. No one has noticed it yet. Oh, they notice he is not there but they haven't noticed that the things he did just a few weeks ago are not getting done. They will.

I must confess. I am not in the mood to blog. I haven't been for some time and I may never be again. My life is starting over with new chapters and new time restrictions. Blogging for me takes time.

It's not that I don't like to blog. I do. I really do. I have made so many friends here that I just love to pieces and I never want to lose contact with them. But, I just can't blog.

Three weeks ago my Daddy died in an accident. He was almost 87 years old.

If you know me or if you don't and just read this blog then you know that my Mother and Daddy are incredible people. We are a close knit family. They were the rocks of our family. Our big family. Our amazing family. They shared a life together for 67 years. And for 57 of those years I worried about what would happen to my life someday when one of parents passed away. Now, I know. We are grief stricken for sure. We are stunned. But mostly we are just broken and feel so incomplete. We have physical pain from his absence.

For Daddy's sake we are happy. He is home. For our sake, we are sad. We are here. His car is still in that garage. His clothes are still in the closet. His Old Spice after shave sits by his toothbrush on the sink. The shoes he wore that last day are at the foot of my bed.

I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know why I am not here. My heart is just not in it right now. I'd love to tell you about my beautiful new granddaughter that was born 2 weeks ago. Oh she helped my heart so much. I could tell you that I am tired but I am feeling great. Did you know that I am going to be a grandmother again in February? That makes me very happy. Or, you might like to know that my children are all healthy and leading productive lives full of joy. I could tell you that I am abundantly blessed because I am. I know I am and I am so grateful.

But, I just don't want to talk right now. Because of my Daddy. He died 3 weeks ago and my heart will never be the same.

I've had several ask me in person, via email, and comments if I was ever going to blog again. I really had some hesitation because frankly my life is crazy. I feel like the things that I am dealing with on a personal level can't possibly be of interest to anyone else. Sometimes I even feel whiny and I don't want that.

Then on another level I have missed the contact. I was so very grateful last month when I know so many of you were on your knees praying for my mom and dad. You were praying prayers when I couldn't even find the words to start. I was literally washed out. I couldn't even put together a complete thought much less a complete sentence! Whatever lesson this has prepared me for I feel stronger. So. Thanks for caring if I update or not!

Mom is better. She is gaining strength everyday. She feels like it is slow and rightly so. But, I see the progress from different eyes. She has come so far! On her 85th birthday she endured a major major surgery and then the next week another one and then the next week another hospitalization via an ambulance ride. My sisters and I were literally running in every direction to make sure we had mother settled and Daddy at peace with how things were going. Let me tell you that it was not nor is it yet an easy job. But, we are getting there. We are having ups and downs but every moment God is continuing to guide us down the 'road'.

The family is all fine. Since I posted last we have celebrated Avery's 2nd birthday and Macy's 7th birthday. We are anxiously awaiting Jaxon's new sister Maddux to be born a few days before Jaxon's 2nd birthday in July. Camp Neena lifetime membership roster will be boosted to 5. That is a full week a piece! Or more is fine with me.

Gordon took a lateral tranfer to another LCRA facility last month. It was a great move for him personally. It is a shorter commute and is a much better working environment. It was not a raise but we are thankful for the "promotion" and the company's faith in his experience for the last 25 or so years. When this position became available we were so hopeful but also realistic that he would be the oldest candidate amidst a group of fresh out of college boys. But, experience reigned and the fact that he still has valuable lessons he can "teach" that younger generation to take over were rewarded.

I have 2 more BOOKWORM library Wednesdays. Truthfully? I am totally burned out. If it weren't for Tawana and all her hard work keeping it and me going I would have already thrown my hands up. We both have decided that this will be our last year. We loved it and have enjoyed the planning and the children but......she has 2 new granddaughters that she plans to visit alot and I am hoping that I can visit mine more too. Please feel free to slap me if I ever volunteer for anything again. Slap me hard.

For now, I think that about covers it. Stay tuned. There is never a dull or slow minute around here.

Just a quick note to let you know that things remain the same with mother. We are basically waiting on Tuesday. This will be the day of the open heart surgery to repair her right mitral valve. Which, excuse my language, has been regurgitating. That was straight from the diagnosis. She seems to getting a little more anxious and restless everyday while waiting. And understandably so. More pitiful still is to watch my daddy watch my momma. He wants to make it all go away for her. He wants to take her home. Tonight, we sisters, left them alone at the hospital to spend the night. We told them it was the honeymoon suite. And then I found the nearest restroom and had a meltdown. It was much needed so please don't think I want pity. It was a cleansing cry and I don't have to do those often. But sometimes nothing else will work. All we basically know factually is that open heart surgery will be performed on Tuesday to fix this problem. So, updates may be few and far between after this post. I'll be facebooking reports for those who have facebook. Just know that your prayers, those of you who know me and those of you who don't, are very much loved and appreciated by my family.

See that beautiful smile? That is my mother. That smile is what holds our family together. That and the humongous, loving, generous, giving, humble-spirited, caring, happy, free spirited, pleasant, positive, "never says a bad word about anything or anybody", heart that beats inside her. She is our rock. That man? My daddy absolutely adores her. I could tell you that he tells her everyday at least 100 times that he loves her. I could tell you that he leaves a quarter on her nightstand every night for her hard work. I could tell you that instead of a chocolate on her pillow, she gets a Hall's cough drop. Those are all true statements and a few of the ways, in his witty way, that he conveys his love for his bride of 67 years.

But, right now, today we find out that her physical heart is not working too well. Some of the tests that were run over the weekend showed that sometime in the past few months/weeks/days she has suffered a rather significant heart attack. We sort of have an idea now that are looking back as to when it happened but can't be sure. We just know that it happened. The plan for now is to proceed with a cardiac catherization to strengthen any areas that were not affected by the event. In other words, if there are any blockages they will stent them and if there are any other areas that can be seen that need repairs they will do that. But, basically what has been damaged is damaged. After that procedure, she will participate in a cardiac rehab program to build up her heart muscles.

So, please pray for her as we prepare for Thursday's surgery. Family is coming in to be with each other. Everyone, I mean everyone, loves this woman. I feel certain that we will receive our mother's heart repaired and healthy. In Daddy's words to the dr. , "She needs to get back to her mowing obligations!" And she has never mowed a day in her life.

I changed my mind. I did have something to say after all.

I go into the CITY tomorrow for my 6 months nuclear cardio study, which was moved up a couple of months, so more like 3 months. Prayers are coveted. Thank you very much.

Then after that 3 hour ordeal I am headed for a much needed girls night out. Two of my friends, from SHS days, and I are headed out to Nancy's weekend home on the lake. A little shopping, dinner out, alot of laughing and relaxing on the deck are just what I need.

Not to mention that shopping sacks make me happy. Very happy.

Today? Believe it or not. "Not" for those who know me.
I have nothing to say.

Not a grandchild. At least of mine. Can you say "U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi" ?

Now, this is beautiful. Yes, this is mine.

Beautiful too. But, some serious bed head.

A little cousin love.

Spring break used to thrill me. Now, everyday is spring break and my "kids" have to go school. Something is wrong with this! So, I taught my innocent babes how to play hooky yesterday.

I got to Houston in time on Monday night to watch Rooster as the starting pitcher for the Twins. He pitched his way to a team victory.











Obviously, this gal has some serious dry skin issues.

Yes, sireeee. I took my babies to the zoo.

A little spring grooming going

on here! Just be glad you

don't have to eat your

"mates" mites.

Tiny Princess didn't like this exhibit and wanted to move on to the crocodillios.

Avery doing a little "fish watching" while waiting for chicken strips and fries.

OH puhhhhhleeeezzz. Get this girl a pedicure.

My favorite eerie scene. The jelly fish under black light.

I will never go past the ankles at the beach again. EVER.

My next trip back will be to watch this prima ballerina perform. It's worth all 4 hours sitting in the auditorium to watch the 3 minute dance. But, this year as a special treat, her mommy, along with 40 other mommies will be tapping together in a dance. Yes, my 36 year old baby bought some tap shoes. This girl can move.

PS...I HATE BLOGGER TONIGHT.

A post of extreme contentment and rest. I am headed off to bed after a wonderful day. We slept in and then stayed in until after lunch. Then decided it was time to run to Walmart. We chased around in there picking up odds and ends.. Came home and grilled burgers outside. Nana and Poppi joined us. Now it's time for bed because we lose an hour of sleep.....THANKS DST. I'll pay for that for the next month! Tomorrow is a roast lunch with all the trimmings. A lazy afternoon after that.

Jaxon is learning her way around Neena's and we are loving having her, She is one of those amazing children that is just so much fun to be with me. Monday we are headed to Houston to watch cousins take swimming lessons, tap dance and play baseball. Can NOT wait.

Avery has been gone for just 24 hours and I'm already lonesome. But, as usual, things are picking up around here. The D bunch is on their way tomorrow to spend Spring Break! Then, "insert excited face", JD and Jaxon are going to stay for a few weeks. I have not seen them since Christmas. TOO LONG. I get to love on them exclusively. I get to pat JD's sweet belly and talk to my newest granddaughter. She can hear me now or so the Baby experts say. She will know my voice before July 3rd! We hope to spend the next few weeks doing all kinds of fun things. That will def include a trip to H town to visit all the cousins. We hope to see Riley and Brooks, and of course their mommy and daddy. Cade???? Wouldn't that be exciting timing! ( OK, Aunt Kellianne & Aunt Danni...you too, I'll share!) We hope to catch Reid's ballgames and some of Macy's adventures. Of course, cousin Avery will be along for the ride too when we go.

You know how happy Neena is when all her "chicks" are in the nest. WAY WAY WAY happy!

This blog world just gets smaller. I have asked you before to pray for friends I have never met, Jenny and Brad Wims and their children. Brad has been battling cancer for 2 years now. And man was he in a battle. His little bit of a wife never left his side while still comforting their children, parents, families and the expansive blog world that she kept posted.

Brad passed away yesterday. He had known that this time was coming. You should not have die when you are just starting your life. His Christian example was evident to all....his church family rallied around him continously. His friends played cards and games with him until the end. Their home ( and that is what it is ) was filled with family and friends for months as they embraced the ending of Brad's life. They literally surrounded him.

You can link off the side of my blog to Faith, Family and Friendships and read about this exceptional family.

His little boy, Zeke, today said he thinks his Daddy is running and breathing in Heaven. I think so too, Zeke. I think so too.

Just an update to let everyone know that the wildfires are settling down in our area. If the winds will cease we should be able to hear they are contained soon. With our EXTREME drought conditions this scene has been a worry to all for sometime. Yesterdays unusually high winds made it all worse....much worse. Law enforcement patrolled door to door checking on citizens for miles. They came through our driveway too. Although we were advised to be on stand by for a probable mandatory evacuation of our home last night, we were able to stay home. We sat outside until dark watching the helicopters loaded with water going back and forth to the scenes. I say scenes because it was miles and miles long and deep through the woods and home areas. At last count close to 30 homes have been lost and countless acres of farmland, miles alongside our State Park ( unknown how the park was affected ) and unknown wildlife and livestock. Our church, along with other churches in town, and the City Recreational center are hosting families who are displaced from their homes. We had good friends who lost their homes and everything. As I sat out in the yard last night listening to sirens, ambulances, and helicopters I thought about seriously what I would grab if I had to leave. I started out with a very long list.....yes almost everything, including Christmas ornaments but when it all came down to it? I just would have gotton my purse and left. That's it. There is not one thing that I place that much value into and if you know me and how much I love my home and my pretties, then you know that's something for me. Seriously. The panic around here yesterday just made me imagine what the war torn areas of our world that deal with panic and crisis on a daily/minute by minute basis and how brave our soldiers ( and firefighters ) are. I still hear all the choppers in the distance as I type but I am safe and sound. And blessed. This world is not my home anyway.

Here is a blurb off the Austin news web:
Highway 71 is open after a fire consumed more than 650 acres in Bastrop County and destroyed homes and businesses.

Crews are still fighting hot spots near Highway 71 between Bastrop and Smithville. But firefighters are estimating only 50 percent of the fire is contained.

At least 23 homes and structures were burned to the ground. Plus three businesses and four vehicles were also destroyed.

The wildfire charred 650 acres, and 150 homes had to be evacuated.

The fire started at about 12:30 Saturday afternoon after strong winds knocked down power lines.

Law enforcement shut down Highway 71 at Mcallister and turned motorists around.

Crews fought the blaze from the air and the ground, and say drought conditions and high winds made their job that much more difficult.

Bastrop County Judge Ronnie McDonald declared a disaster for Bastrop County. That allows the county to receive federal aid to fight the fire.

One fire fighter was treated for smoke inhilation. No other injuries have been reported.

 
 

This picture sequence cracks me up. Avery is giving Jaxon a coloring lesson. Notice her "blurry" head while she gives her speech. That is a "hold your color this way...... yada yada yada".

Notice Jaxon's face. She already knew all that.

The last several years that I have been blogging have flown by. I started as a way to stay in contact with my children, nieces/nephews, sisters, cousins, etc. Just sort of a newsletter. None of my friends blogged and I surely wasn't out to win any awards. I just truly liked to keep in touch with everyone so easily. Along the way, I started reading other blogs. Don't ask me how I ended up finding some of the ones I did. I really don't have a clue. All of a sudden there was a little group of us that read each other's news everyday and left encouraging or humorous comments. Friendships were made without ever a handshake or hug. Dear friendships. Ironically, or God driven as I like to think, we all were similiar in age ( no offense to you younger ones ), we all had similiar upbringings, we all were socially in the same type of life situations, but most importantly and amazing is that we all shared the exact same faith. We all "hailed" from the same type of pews, so to speak. Each and everyone of them has been a daily encouragement to me for years now. We pray for each other and share lots of things on here and by emails. We've all had trials and we've all had happy things happen to us during our past years as friends.

Right now, one of "us" is going through a health scare. Kelley is waiting on some lab work to confirm some type of diagnosis for her recent sicknesses. We are all praying that is going to be a simple fix. That she'll be as good as new and back to serving God in her bubbly way. Also, heavy on my heart is a young guy named Brad. He is not one of this group that I speak of but I have been following his story for a year now. He is also a servant of God and has a beautiful wife and 2 little children. A year ago he was diagnosed with a serious and rare cancer. Since that diagnosis he has been literally, along with his wife and family, fighting for his life. He is in daily pain and distress. His biological family has moved in to help and his church family takes care of all their needs so they can all be together. They are in constant prayer and vigil. Especially now. He is in a really big fight right now. His days and nights are long as he struggles to breathe and sleep. Fear is closing in on him and they are all weary and tired. So, tonight as you count your friends....count the ones you know and see everyday but don't forget the ones that you don't know and may never meet this side of Heaven. Please remember Kelley and Brad in some intense prayers tonight.

I've been tagged by several of you to post the "10 Most Random Things About Me". I've procrastinated doing it because I couldn't remember if it was 10 or 20 so let's just go with 10. Since, I already mentioned the procrastination issues I have, I'll leave that out of the top 10!

10 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME ( Trust me, there are more! )

1. I can't stand the inside of the microwave to be dirty.

2. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I could get lost in my own neighborhood.

3. I'm very spontaneous.

4. I always notice people's teeth.

5. I MUST hear a child laugh everyday.

6. I can't hold grudges.

7. I like to have at least one thing on my calendar to look forward to.

8. I think I am a very happy person but yet I deal with depression at times.

9. I love to have parties/ get-togethers/ guests in my home.

10. I possess alot of left over advice that I didn't finish handing out when my kids were growing up. Now, they don't want it. Go figure.

10 1/4. I over plan stuff. WAY WAY WAY overkill.

10 1/2. I can not for the life of me follow simple directions.

10 3/4. I am a multi tasker. I really really think I am undiagnosed ADD.

I have been holding back the news until the OFFICIAL official official notice that I can tell it.

It's now official.

Camp Neena's newest camper that is coming in July is another GIRL! We are so excited. God has made me another perfect and beautiful granddaughter. I can't wait to hold her, snuggle with her, hear her little voice coo and see her beautiful big sister, Jaxon, interact with her. Her cousins are pretty excited too! FUN times are coming. If you want to see her precious little feet on the sonogram you can hop over to her Mommy's blog, Mitch and JD, and you can see for yourself. As for how he knew it was girl from the feet, I'll never know. Teehee. Times are a changing! Seriously.

I HOPE YOU LOVE THIS AS MUCH AS I DID! Beautiful angel baby.

If you live for the next world,
you get this one in the deal;
but if you live only for this world,
you lose them both.

C.S. Lewis

I started to say, "Just a short post....." but I realize that I am probably not capable of just being short with words.

So, thanks to all of you for the following:

1. Wearing RED on Friday. It turned out great here too and I was able to raise a good total for the AHA. The shirts turned out super cute and I don't even know if I got one picture. The city of 'ville proclaimed it GO RED DAY... thanks to my classmate the MAYOR!

2. Wishing me a HAPPY birthday. I have never gotton so many emails. My cup runneth over.

3. Praying for my parents. They are both feeling better and were in church this morning. My sister, Jody, has been here for the weekend and she always perks them up ( and me too! ) . Then baby sis, Kathy is coming later in the week and they will be doing handstands by then. Seriously! My sisters are the light of my life. It seems we never get to really visit. It used to be because we were chasing kids and now when they come we are so busy. I treasure our visits together so much. They love me so unconditionally. Jody made me a wonderful birthday dinner and RED velvet cake today. And, I didn't have to do the dishes! Thanks Ashley and Jody.

4. My children called me all day on my birthday and through the weekend to check on me and the g'parents so that was a great thing to get to hear all their voices. Even though we all talk everyday anyway! I am so so so so blessed by "babies"....grown and not.

5. Thanks to my sweet Tawana and Becky for making sure I had a happy birthday and taking me OUT and making me relax.

6. To Duronda and our precious minister, Chris for stepping in and making sure we had everything we needed and to making my Daddy listen to reason about going to the dr.

I have gotton so many phone calls, emails, cards, and visits from everyone who for some reason are worried about me. Don't. I am fine. It's a privelege to be able to be the head nurse for my parents.

JUST A QUICK UPDATE from days gone by.....

Mom was released from the hospital last week. I left with her not feeling so hot and we both ended up recup'ing at home. I got better. She did not. So, today she is back in the hospital .....same room...same nurses.......same doc. She has been having these nightly episodes where she gets up to go the bathroom and somehow falls enroute back to the bed. So far, all has been fine. But, last night she fell and could not awaken Daddy and spent the night on the floor. This morning when Daddy got up he was looking for her. All is well from that standpoint. Her chest sounded clear, and her UTI seemed to have cleared up. We did discuss the prospect that she might be taking unnecessary medications that could account for her memory lapses. So, the dr.s are re-analyzing her meds to see what she could NOT take. We also want to rule out that she did not have a small stroke. Something is just not right. Vital signs and all are normal and stable which makes us think we are dealing with something else. Hopefully, she'll get a good night's rest! Thanks for your prayers for her. Keep 'em coming.

Also, our son in law Brian's mom, Barbara is not feeling well. A rise in her blood pressure at work today caused her to black out and be rushed to the hospital. She is home now with orders to see her dr. ASAP. Pray for Barbara too!

THANKS.

GO RED TEXAS!

GET SMART ABOUT HEART DISEASE!

Some facts you may not know!

*** Heart disease and stroke are the Number 1 and Number 3 killer of ALL women over the age of 25.

***Cardiovascular disease, including stroke, claims nearly twice as many women's lives as all forms of cancer.

***One in 2.6 women die of heart disease compared with one in 30 from breast cancers.

***64% of all women who died suddenly of coronary heart disease had NO previous symptoms.

***Within 5 years of a recognized heart attack, 25% percent of women will have another heart attack ( THIS HAPPENED TO ME ) or a fatal cardio event.

***One in three adult women in the USA currently suffers from some form of heart disease.

Feel free to check all these facts out on the website for the American Heart Association~ there are lots more facts too. Talk to your healthcare provider about your risk of heart disease and how you can prevent or slow the disease. Schedule an appointment just to check up your heart~ DO IT NOW. GET SMART about going red.

OOOOOOHHHHHH. These next few months are going to be crazy ones. I am, this week, taking donations and t shirt orders for GO RED for WOMEN. S'ville has declared Friday, February 6th GO RED day. Everyone will be decked out in RED hopefully that day. 100% of all proceeds will go to the AHA.
My oldest daughter, Heather, took up running several years ago. She started running and she can't stop! She loves running. Heather has been training and trying her best to beat her "bad genetics". She completed her 3rd half marathon a few weeks ago. Troy joined her. We won't say who beat who. Just notice the nice completion ribbon/medals.















Precious Tiny Princess had a little boo boo on the back of her head that had to be taken care of at the dr's office. Some antibiotics are making it all better but is that the most pitiful face you have ever seen. MY POOR BABY!



As soon as my GO RED heart fundraiser is over my family is switching gears to the March of Dimes. Last year, daughter Ashley coordinated a large group of our family and we walked in Houston in the annual Walk for Babies. TEAM BROCK AND BRODY are training again. Well, maybe I say training rather "loosely". But, we are going to walk!





This is from last year's walk. Cousin Macy sits atop Uncle Mitch's shoulders for a small portion of the walk. The rest of the time she rode her scooter! All 5 miles!

I am feeling some better tonight. I got out and did the BOOKWORM program at the library this morning and plan to go to church tonight. Mom is better too. We made a post hospital visit to the dr. this afternoon and she seems to be progressing towards recovery. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow if things go as planned, I am headed to the city to watch Reid perform in the 6th grade band concert.

For those few of you who might be wondering where I have been....My mom has been sick and hospitalized with pnuemonia and some other complications but is doing much better and has been discharged and is home now. Thanks for all of you who have been asking.

The second night she was in the hospital I noticed that I was not feeling my usual "perky" self. I had chills. I would have come on home but it was 3 AM and I wasn't sure I could drive home, that is how bad I felt! I just hope I don't make her "sicker". At least she has 3 gallons of antibiotics in her, thank goodness. I actually climbed into the hospital bed with her night before last and stayed there all night. I am not sure who the lab drew blood from when they came through at 5 AM. Hopefully, they read her armband. We both slept through her breakfast. I came home before they discharged her and found I was running a 103 temp. I haven't had a fever in YEARS. I felt horrible. Don't remember much about last night! It's now about 5PM and I am feeling some better. Fever is gone~that is good. I am sitting at the computer ~ good sign. But, not for long. I am off again to my bed. So, if I don't "see" you around here, just know I am recuperating from something that you don't want.

Actually my rant yesterday felt pretty good! What thought I intentionally started out with in my poor little brain really got lost.

What I meant to talk about was...... Now, these guys would work for a days pay. Anyone know where I can find some good ranch hands?

I bought some new light fixtures and when I got them home hubby mentioned that he would really like to get an electrician to hang them even though he can do it. He wired the whole house with a friend when we built it and we haven't burned down yet after almost 25 + years! I really don't want to pay more to hang them than I paid for the fixtures! So, it set me to thinking (oops...) Where is the good old practice of bartering gone these days? I need alot of little things done around here! I could furnish a good warm meal for a days work. Just like in the cowboy days. Hey, while we're at it, I could use a garden. Then I would like someone to paint my front door. I have the paint. Oh yeah, I really need someone to hang some blinds for me. Don't forget that while you are at it to go on and put up that iron curtain rod I bought. I've been wanting some new bathroom faucets. If I run get some could you maybe work in putting those on for me? OOOO.. remember when hubby fell off the ladder and my painting "the house" got sidetracked? I still have the master bedroom to go. Think you could work that in too? If you could would you also stack some more firewood at the back ? It would save me some steps in the COLD. While you are out there at the woodpile check out and see if you can get me a new flower bed going up against the house by the AC unit. I am just wanting to plant natural things in there so it will be easy to maintain. Don't worry! There are a few other little things I wanted to have you check out too......we can work this out. This may cost me about 50 meals. Maybe a months room and board. But, I get to control the remote in the evenings, if you have your chores done and get to watch tv. Come to think about it, it's like having children. Kids....come home.....I have work to do. That was what I meant to say yesterday.

I am the first to admit that I get very annoyed by the number of "homeless" people with signs standing on every street corner and major light in the city. Probably, because I can't fathom how someone can let themselves get to that point when I see businesses plastered with NOW HIRING signs everywhere. The main reason might be because I am selfish and ignorant and live in "another world" full of too much goodness for myself. I have seen TV documentaries, movies and read articles so I know that a person just like myself could end up that way. Yet, I still feel like it could never happen to me. I know this world is full of dishonesty and crookedness. I've seen it firsthand. I have wanted to trust people so bad. I have tried so hard to find good in people that are down on their luck. Admittedly, I find it harder and harder to trust and believe in people. I want to believe that people are really willing to change and not just using other people for their own gain. I must remember that this world, as full of evil as it is, is also filled with goodness and God's love. I have been too quick to judge ( help me ) and over analyze!

Because when I see this sign

I quickly imagine that it says this or that they want the money for drugs. Then I rationalize that I would be helping enable them for crime!

I know that God's hand is on me and I hope that I will be more aware and grateful of this blessed life I have. I guess it could happen to me. I hope I am aware everyday of my blessings!

This started out in mind as turning into a humorous and hilarious post but all of a sudden it's not funny anymore. I remember where I was going with the topic but it got all turned around in my head. The lesson of judging others hits very close to "home" and my heart today because of some particular circumstances around me. I don't want to be selfish! So, remember me when you pray.

Proverbs 19:17

Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.

And these words...Matthew 25:33:

On the last day, Jesus will say to those on His right hand, "Come, enter the Kingdom. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was sick and you visited me." Then Jesus will turn to those on His left hand and say, "Depart from me because I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me to drink, I was sick and you did not visit me." These will ask Him, "When did we see You hungry, or thirsty or sick and did not come to Your help?" And Jesus will answer them, "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!"

I had to laugh at the tag thing I posted yesterday. Don't I sound so exciting? Funny thing is, that is about as motivated as I get these days. I thought it would be amusing if I told you the things I thought about doing. I really did think about them. But, thought about them only briefly. Briefly is all I think anymore. I blame it on medication. Crazy doctors.

Things I Thought About Doing Yesterday

1. Cleaning the house
2. Spending an hour in deep physical exercise and meditation
3. Running 3 miles
4. Reading the Old Testament
5. Cleaning out all the kitchen cabinets ( I actually bought some organizational stackers for this. Wonder how long they'll sit on the cabinet?)
6. Washing and folding every piece of dirty laundry and placing them in the newly cleaned out drawers I was going to do
7. Deep shampooing the carpet
8. Setting up a new year's household budget
9. Cleaning out the closets and packing bags for Goodwill
10. Painting the master bedroom
11. Refinishing some old pieces of furniture
12. Spending some time in solitude ( What is that? )
13. Baking
14. Landscaping the yard
15. Cleaning out and labeling things in the garage storage area

I am tired just thinking about it. Thank goodness it's free to think.

My baby sister said TAG I'M IT and SO did my FRIEND Mindy so...I GUESS I'M IT

Here goes:

4 Things I did yesterday

Worked on a friend's shower invitations
Fixed lunch for Mom and Dad
Went to the library for BOOKWORMS
Went to church

4 Things on my wishlist for the year

To be able to carpet my house ( not looking too good )
For Gordon and I to be able to go on a cruise for our 38th anniversary
To be able to love the fur off all my grandkids more...especially my new one
that should be here in July
To take more control of my health and well-being

4 Favorite Restaurants

Nancy's Steak house ( local )
LaCabana ( local )
Red Lobster
Olive Garden

4 Favorite TV shows

HGTV all day during the day is on...I may not be watching but I'm listening
Grey's Anatomy
BIGGEST Loser
All the CSI's

4 Friends to tag

The first four to read this. Awwwww c'mon.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed..

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost...

Count your many blessings .... name them one by one...

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

It never surprises me. He has done way more than I could imagine.

OK. If you don't laugh at this story something is wrong with you. I'm laughing to keep from crying. The truth hurts.

I ran to Beall's yesterday to pick up some make up from the Estee Lauder girl. You know the one. Perfect skin. Not a pore in sight. No make up unless mascara. Flawless. Young. Dewy. Plus, very sweet and helpful. I'm trying not to stare but raw beauty stuns me since I am, unashamedly vain.

Before I stopped by to stare at her, I ran over to check out these brown pants that I had seen before Christmas. I thought they might be on sale. I figured if my size was there then they were meant to be mine. There they were. So, I grabbed them and dashed over to Miss Estee Lauder covergirl.

I couldn't tell the sale price because someone had yanked the tag off but when covergirl rang them up these $38.00 pants rang up $ 6.99. "YIKES", I said. She just lightly tossed her perfect little ponytail and said,"well I can't believe these are on for such a great price." She even admitted there must be a mistake and went to check. There wasn't another pair to compare it to so....I got them for $ 6.99. She looked at me and said did I see any other sizes in them in maybe another color? I thought to myself, "Oh bless her...she wants a pair too."

Then she ruined it and said........."my mom could use some new pants."

"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalms 139:1 3-14



The new year has brought to mind all the exciting things I have in store for me. The top of the list is our new grandbaby who will be born in July. I am beside myself with excitement. Tonight I googled what a 14 week old baby would look like if the skin were a clear bubble! Even though he/she is so very tiny still it is very clearly a baby. I AM IN LOVE again. It seems like July is so far away. Please pray for JD and the baby. She has been sick with pregnancy related "stuff" and dealing with an almost 2 year old too. Plus, trying to take care of my son, who I am sorry to admit is spoiled rotten. By me. Sorry, JD.
No, actually I must admit and praise my son. He is a super husband and a wonderful daddy. He shares all the duties of fatherhood and then some. His life is very busy and demanding but his little family comes first! The miracle of life has always been just that to me. SUCH A MIRACLE.


Back in the 70's when I was beginning my journey as a mom, technology was just coming into the age where we could understand a little more of the miracle. But now? Oh my goodness. It just blows me away that now there are ultrasounds where you can actually see your baby just like a photo was sent through an email! So, now not only do we know before hand the sex of the baby but we know what they look like too.


Being a mother was what I was born to be, I suppose. If I could relive earthly moments just for one short time I'd choose the first time I looked down at my own babies in my arms.

Almost (?) all my friends are expecting additions to their families this year too. Don't be startled....I mean in the way of grandchildren. Although, stranger things have happened! I think it was a contagious year. It's a year of showers, pinks & blues, nurseries, waiting, waiting and waiting. Both of my surrogate daughters, the sister crew of Tara and Tracy are expecting girls! I am so excited for BOTH of them to be able to raise their little princesses together and such fun for Tawana. I can't wait to see their lives change as mommies. I remember being there when they were each born. I'll be Neena to those girls too! And, I hope to be sitting in the waiting room to hear those babies first cries. The fun never stops.

And, for those of you who have never experienced this grandmother season let me tell me you that it is amazing. I LOVE being NEENA. I have loved holding each of them in my arms for the first time and watching them grow. It's the most wonderful time of my life.

“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:16-19

I don't particularly care for New Year's Resolutions. Sometimes it's just another way for me to feel like I couldn't follow through on something or the big FAIL word. But, this year in particular I am going to try my best to commit myself to finding words from God that speak to my heart. I don't know if I am capable alone ( HE is mightier than me ) but with His help I'd like to even try to memorize more verses. I am going to put it high on my list of can do's. I will say this though in lieu of resolutions.... I do promise these things for 2009.

* To continously pray for my family, me and all of you..... for God to touch and convict every one of our hearts.

* For the leaders of our country to look to our Father for the answers to heal a broken world.

* To be a better and more Godly person, wife, daughter, sister, mother, Neena, aunt and friend.

* To pray without ceasing.

* To realize that life is not a dress rehearsal. This is real folks. No second chances when the trumpet sounds.

* To fully understand that I am not supposed to know what tomorrow holds. And that the Holiest of Holies has me in his keeping no matter what.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009