Look Up the Word Oxymoron

Life. Sometimes I really ponder how something that started out so slow could have gained so much momentum. Here I am now, in the middle part of the years that have been allotted to me. Statistically, I should have more good years. That seems so short compared with what I started off with. Hopes and dreams……some accomplished but most still dreams. Myself, I haven’t changed much on the inside. I think that part is very comical. That the person I am today is pretty much who I was all those years ago. I wrote this so you can know me better and maybe I can recognize myself.

I was born to be a mother. I am a nurturer. I wish I could hold my children one more time as babies. I miss the noise of my children. I love my family. My grandchildren are the greatest gifts on earth. I adore, love and cherish my parents. I love, respect and look up to my sisters. I love my neices and nephews. I don’t like not being needed. I believe in unconditional love. I just plain believe in love. I love love. I also believe in like. I am compulsive. I am obsessive. I am vain. Somedays I feel so ugly and old. I love friendships. I believe in the theory of best friends. I believe in the theory of life long friends. I need friends. I like friends to need me. I am very dependable. I think friends should be dependable. I always want to please everyone. Without thinking about it. I am sensitive. I never cry though. I need to cry sometimes. I wish I didn’t take things so personally. I rely on structure & scheduling. I hate structure & scheduling. I love to laugh. I love to laugh until I cry. I love to make people laugh. I love a good practical joke. I don’t like jokes that hurt others. I am way full of bull. I love bull. I tend to exaggerate almost everything I say. I love to be the storyteller.

I love to shop. I love the sound of a cash register. I love to carry sacks from purchases. I love fashion. Sometimes I feel too old for fashion. I love SteinMart. I love Target. I love Walmart. I love catalogs. I love accessories to fashion. I love "bling bling" and jewelry that jingles. I over accessorize most of the time. I like shoes. I love movies….good girly ones. I love music that makes you get lost in the feeling. Or music that moves your spirit and soul. I like to buy books. I don’t really like to read because I can’t sit still. I like to write. I love photography. I love to be creative. I love to decorate my house. I keep a journal. I love to get a new purse or wallet. I want to travel. I hate to travel. I am a homebody. I love my own things. I love to eat. I love chocolate. I love pastries. I love supreme pizzas. I love black coffee. I love unsweet tea. I love to eat out. I hate exercise. I exercise a couple of times a week. I wish I was a runner. I wish I was disciplined about taking better care of myself. I am not a good patient when I am sick. I love to take care of other people. I am co dependent. VERY.

I love organization. I am so unorganized. I love a clean house. I am a procrastinator. I hate being late. I daydream a lot. I am an insomniac. Night scares me. I am a maniac dreamer. I wish I was confident. I wish I wasn’t so sarcastic. (sometimes.) I am a doubter about a lot of things. I lie sometimes. I hate lying. I hate people to use God’s name in vain. I have a list of words I hate. I hate cursing. If I am mad I use an ugly word that I like S _ _ _. It is not my nature to be mad. If I am mad I forget why. I don’t like people to be mad at me. I believe anger is bad for your health. I never intentionally hurt other people. I love having friends over to my house. I like to being alone. Sometimes I need to be alone. I crave companionship. Sometimes I feel like I am in my own world. I am in my own world.

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t want to grow up. I like to cut out of magazines. I like to make files of things I cut out. I love to color code things. I love to color. I love sharp colors. I love pleasant surprises. I don’t believe in luck. I do believe in fate. I love having parties. I love to plan parties. I love to plan anything. I love the exhilaration of having completed something important. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like to feel trapped. I am claustrophobic. I don’t want to be rich. I do want to have money. I wish I liked to garden. I love looking at other people’s landscaping. I like to watch decorating channels. I hate to paint. I love how fresh paint looks. I am self conscience. People think I am very strong. I am very weak. I wish I was strong. I worry about things I have no control over. I worry about things I do control. I wish I could relive certain days again. I wish hasty decisions could be undone.

Deaths of my family members scares me. I am morbid. I have too many questions. I am not afraid to die. I am afraid to be buried. I want to go to heaven. I hate making mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. I don’t want to be perfect. I love my church family. I worry about the future. I worry about war. I worry about children that aren’t mine that go to war Sometimes I feel confused about common things. I like common things. I am not motivated. I like to motivate people. I need encouragement. I need a lot of encouragement. I like to encourage other people. I am overwhelmed at times by life. I sometimes feel hopeless. I hate feeling that. I despise feeling shame. I don’t like to be disciplined. I need discipline. I think constructive criticism should be against the law.
I am way NOT perfect or even close. But, I know someone who is.

Wouldn't you say I'm an oxymoron?